Big Stig's review of "Fast and Furious"

This week's review of "Fast and Furious" is brought to you by Corona®, Sprint® and Lycra®.

Some say he once drilled out his feet to improve his lap times, and at the sound of an ice cream truck he feels compelled to kill Charles De Gaulle. All we know is, he's called Big Stig. He's Stig's portly cousin from the colonies.

Let's pause a moment as I take a slow, luxurious swig from my ice cold bottle of Corona cerveza. Ahhh.

"Fast and Furious" was an epic bit of filmmaking. One for the ages. However, we have a few plot holes to contend with:

First, as the world's only college educated, Jewish, intentionally bald, former truck driver (really)... allow me to make a suggestion. If you want to steal a trucker's payload... just show him your gun and tell him to pull over. Driving backwards on a two lane highway approaching a hill that Lewis Hamilton couldn't negotiate seems overly elaborate and ill-conceived. But then, what do I know? I would have just shot Austin Powers between the eyes and went out for waffles. No sharks with frickin' laser beams here.

Second, you can't suspend a cop in a movie with out having his boss collect piece and shield from the morose SOB. There are rules in Hollywood. You need to respect them.

Third, Vin Diesel has a speaking role. A recipe for trouble.

Four, could we please stop with the foot and car chases with such fast edits that we have no idea what's going on? I'd prefer not to have my Nestle® Bunch-a-Crunch come back up. mmmkaythx.

All in all, this would have been the complete disaster we were expecting... but then, they found the "M" button. They gave us garish cars, monosyllabic dudes with no neck, hot lesbians making out, and big explosions. I'm satisfied.

4 stars.

If you found the above review as vacuous as I think it is... blame RevLinux. This was his idea. That idiot thinks I should be a writer. That'll show him.