X-Men Origins: Wolverine is out this week. I know that all of you are just as anxious as I am to see it. As much as I like Hugh Jackman as our beloved cigar smoking, father killing, side-burned tortured soul, I am ecstatic that my favourite psychopath Deadpool is making an appearance!
Back in 1997 Marvel gave us Wade Wilson, a lovable mercenary that has the gift of gab. He's been one of the most interesting characters to ever grace the pages of Marvel's comic books.
But is he a prophet?
See, some say that to be a prophet you need to predict a great many things. I disagree. I think to be a bona fide prophet, you just need to be right.
Deadpool hit the nail on the head.
That's right folks! Way back in 2002, Cable vs. Deadpool #3 pg.13, Deadpool let us know that Ryan Renolds is the only man for the job!
Granted, Deadpool didn't really make a prediction, and well, it could be that all the good shar-pei puppies in L.A. were too busy to be bothered, but hey! we'll take what we can get! Score one for good ol' Wade Wilson!
Suck it Nostradamus!
Deadpool: prophet? or puppy?
04.25.2009
10.10p 04.25.2009
Observe and Report
Marcus Crosswoods UltraScreen Cinema
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04.18.2009
10.00p 04.18.2009
Crank: High Voltage
Marcus Crosswoods UltraScreen Cinema
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04.11.2009
09.40p 04.11.2009
Dragonball Evolution
Marcus Crosswoods UltraScreen Cinema
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Paper beats Rock; Muscle beats Import ... every time!
So, I got a message from The Big Stig (Some say he can get you a toe...trust us, just don't ask how; and at the slightest threat he will separate his saucer section). It seems that somehow Fast and Furious 4 managed to bring In $72.5 million for its opening weekend.
Wow.
Now The Big Stig (Some say, he tugs on Superman's cape, and spits in the wind...but knows not to mess around with Jim) is very very upset about this, and who can blame him. When Vin "The Angry Potato" Diesel can draw such huge box office receipts, then we know that the sate of affairs for America's entertainment industry is only one Big Gulp away from Idiocracy levels.
But, here's the real rub: I really like these movies. I even liked the "Tokyo Drift redneck-meets-hip-hop-saki comedy hour." These movies are fast-paced, non-stop, no-holds-barred, action-packed thrill rides. Hot women, fast cars, mind-numbing diologe; they have the whole package. I know that when I am done seeing one of these movies, I am going to drive too fast. I am going to try to talk my wife into a Ménage à Trois, and be truly surprised when I get slapped. I am going to eat a steak. I am going to do many other macho things that I can't think of at the moment, and fail miserably. It's a fact, these movies are great! I don't mean great like "Gone with the Wind" or even "Ernest goes to Camp," I mean great like "Superbad" (I am McLovin!), or "Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li" (Nash out!).
My point is this, there is a place for these movies in this society. I'm not sure if it's a $72.5 million place, but there is a place none the less. They fill a niche, a void in the world of movies. I think that these movies could very well be the last hope of an industry full of "re-makes" and un-inspired crap that tries to pawn itself off as a new idea. This franchise makes no promises for reality, no illusions of grandeur, no false hopes. Fast and Furious is just that, Fast AND furious.
All hail the ANGRY POTATO!! May he live forever and keep making movies that continue to inspire people like this guy!
04.04.2009
09.45p 04.04.2009
Fast & Furious
Marcus Crosswoods UltraScreen Cinema
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Synopsis
When a crime brings them back to L.A., fugitive ex-con Dom Toretto reignites his feud with agent Brian O'Conner. But, as they are forced to confront a shared enemy, Dom and Brian must give in to an uncertain new trust if they hope to outmaneuver him. And, from convoy heists to precision tunnel crawls across international lines, two men will find the best way to get revenge: Push the limits of what's possible behind the wheel.03.28.2009
09.45p 03.28.2009
Duplicity
Marcus Crosswoods UltraScreen Cinema
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Synopsis
CIA officer Claire Stenwick and MI6 agent Ray Koval have left the world of government intelligence to cash in on the highly profitable cold war raging between two rival multinational corporations. Their mission? Secure the formula for a product that will bring a fortune to the company that patents it first. For their employers--Industry titan Howard Tully and buccaneer CEO Dick Garsik--nothing is out of bounds. But, as the stakes rise, the mystery deepens and the tactics get dirtier, the trickiest secret for Claire and Ray is their growing attraction. And, as they each try to stay one double-cross ahead, two career loners find their schemes endangered by the only thing they can't cheat their way out of: love.03.21.2009
09.45p 03.21.2009
Knowing
Marcus Crosswoods UltraScreen Cinema
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Synopsis
In 1958, as part of the dedication ceremony for a new elementary school, a group of students is asked to draw pictures to be stored in a time capsule. But one mysterious girl fills her sheet of paper with rows of apparently random numbers instead. Fifty years later, a new generation of students examines the capsule's contents and the girl's cryptic message ends up in the hands of young Caleb Koestler. But it is Caleb's father, professor John Koestler, who makes the startling discovery that the encoded message predicts with pinpoint accuracy the dates, death tolls and coordinates of every major disaster of the past 50 years. As John further unravels the document's chilling secrets, he realizes the document foretells three additional events-the last of which hints at destruction on a global scale and seems to somehow involve John and his son. When John's attempts to alert the authorities fall on deaf ears, he takes it upon himself to try to prevent more destruction from taking place. With the reluctant help of Diana Wayland and Abby Wayland, the daughter and granddaughter of the now-deceased author of the prophecies, John's increasingly desperate efforts take him on a heart-pounding race against time until he finds himself facing the ultimate disaster-and the ultimate sacrifice.03.14.2009
10.00p 03.14.2009
The Last House on the Left
Marcus Crosswoods UltraScreen Cinema
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Synopsis
The night she arrives at the remote Collingwood lakehouse, Mari and her friend are kidnapped by a prison escapee and his crew. Terrified and left for dead, Mari's only hope is to make it back to parents John and Emma. Unfortunately, her attackers unknowingly seek shelter at the one place she could be safe. And when her family learns the horrifying story, they will make three strangers curse the day they came to "The Last House on the Left."03.07.2009
09.45p 03.07.2009
Watchmen
Marcus Crosswoods UltraScreen Cinema
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"Watchmen" is set in an alternate 1985 America in which costumed superheroes are part of the fabric of everyday society, and the "Doomsday Clock"--which charts the tension between the United States and the Soviet Union--is permanently set at five minutes to midnight. When one of his former colleagues is murdered, the washed-up but no less determined masked vigilante Rorschach sets out to uncover a plot to kill and discredit all past and present superheroes. As he reconnects with his former crime-fighting legion--a ragtag group of retired superheroes, only one of whom has true powers--Rorschach glimpses a wide-ranging and disturbing conspiracy with links to their shared past and catastrophic consequences for the future. Their mission is to watch over humanity, but who is watching the watchmen?02.28.2009
09.45p 02.28.2009
Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li
Rave Motion Pictures
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On the streets of Bangkok, crime boss Bison instigates a wave of violence in the slum districts, grabbing power and land no matter what the costs to its residents. His ruthless tactics are met by a team of heroes consisting of Chun-Li, a half-Caucasian/half-Asian beauty who gave up a life of privilege to become a street fighter, battling for those who cannot fight for themselves; her kung fu master, Gen, once a feared criminal, who now fights for the forces of good; Interpol cop Charlie Nash, who has tracked the crime boss all over the world, and Nash's partner, gangland homicide detective Maya Sunee.02.21.2009
09.55p 02.21.2009
The International
Marcus Crosswoods UltraScreen Cinema
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Synopsis
Interpol Agent Louis Salinger and Manhattan Assistant District Attorney Eleanor Whitman are determined to bring to justice one of the world's most powerful banks. Uncovering myriad and reprehensible illegal activities, Salinger and Whitman follow the money from Berlin to Milan to New York to Istanbul. Finding themselves in a high-stakes chase across the globe, their relentless tenacity puts their own lives at risk as their targets will stop at nothing--even murder--to continue financing terror and war.02.14.2009
10.00p 02.14.2009
Friday the 13th
Marcus Crosswoods UltraScreen Cinema
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Synopsis
In this re-imagining of the classic horror film, Clay searches for his missing sister in the eerie woods of legendary Crystal Lake, where he stumbles on the creaky remains of rotting old cabins behind moss-covered trees. And, that's not the only thing lying in wait under the brush. Against the advice of police and cautions from the locals, Clay pursues what few leads he has, with the help of a young woman he meets among a group of college kids up for an all-thrills weekend. But, they are about to find much more than they bargained for. Little do they know, they've entered the domain of one of the most terrifying specters in American film history-the infamous killer who haunts Crystal Lake, armed with a razor-sharp machete--Jason Voorhees.02.07.2009
10.05p 02.07.2009
Push
Marcus Crosswoods UltraScreen Cinema
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Synopsis
The Division, a shadowy government agency, is genetically transforming citizens into an army of psychic warriors and brutally disposing of those unwilling to participate. Nick Gant, a second-generation telekinetic or mover, has been in hiding since the Division murdered his father more than a decade earlier. He has found sanctuary in densely populated Hong Kong, the last safe place on earth for fugitive psychics like him, but only if he can keep his gift a secret. Nick is forced out of hiding when Cassie Holmes, a 13-year-old clairvoyant or watcher, seeks his help finding Kira, an escaped pusher who may hold the key to ending the Division's program. Pushers possess the most dangerous of all psychic powers: the ability to influence others actions by implanting thoughts in their minds. But Cassie's presence soon attracts the attention of the Division's human bloodhounds, forcing Nick and Cassie to flee for their lives. With the help of a team of rogue psychics, the unlikely duo traverses the seedy underbelly of the city, trying to stay one step ahead of the authorities as they search for Kira. But they find themselves square in the crosshairs of Division Agent Henry Carver, a pusher who will stop at nothing to keep them from achieving their goal.01.31.2009
09.50a 01.31.2009
Underworld: Rise of the Lycans
Marcus Crosswoods UltraScreen Cinema
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Synopsis
The prequel story traces the origins of the centuries-old blood feud between the aristocratic vampires and their onetime slaves, the Lycans. In the Dark Ages, a young Lycan named Lucian emerges as a powerful leader who rallies the werewolves to rise up against Viktor, the cruel vampire king who has enslaved them. Lucian is joined by his secret lover, Sonja, in his battle against the Vampire army and his struggle for Lycan freedom.01.24.2009
12.01a 01.24.2009
Repo! The Genetic Opera
Arena Grand
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Synopsis
Set in the 2056, "Repo! The Genetic Opera" tells the story of an epidemic of organ failures that devastates the planet, killing tens of millions. Out of the tragedy, a savior emerges: GeneCo, a biotech company that offers organ transplants--for a price. Those who miss their payments are scheduled for repossession and hunted by villainous Repo Men. In a world where surgery addicts are hooked on painkilling drugs and murder is sanctioned by law, a sheltered young girl searches for the cure to her own rare disease as well as information about her family's mysterious history. After being sucked into the haunting world of GeneCo, she is unable to turn back, as all of her questions will be answered at the wildly anticipated spectacular event: The Genetic Opera.01.17.2009
09.45p 01.17.2009
Defiance
Marcus Crosswoods UltraScreen Cinema
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Based on an extraordinary true story, "Defiance" is an epic tale of family, honor, vengeance and salvation in World War II. The year is 1941 and the Jews of Eastern Europe are being massacred by the thousands. Managing to escape certain death, three brothers take refuge in the dense surrounding woods they have known since childhood. There they begin their desperate battle against the Nazis. The brothers turn a primitive struggle to survive into something far more consequential--a way to avenge the deaths of their loved ones by saving thousands of others. At first, it is all they can do to stay alive. But, gradually, as whispers of their daring spreads, they begin to attract others--men and women, young and old--willing to risk everything for the sake of even a moment's freedom. Tuvia is a reluctant leader and his decisions are challenged by his brother, Zus who worries that Tuvia's idealistic plans will doom them all. Asael is the youngest--caught between his brothers' fierce rivalry. As a brutal winter descends, they work to create a community, and to keep faith alive when all humanity appears to be lost.01.10.2009
09.35p 01.10.2009
Gran Torino
Marcus Crosswoods UltraScreen Cinema
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Walt Kowalski, an iron-willed veteran living in a changing world, who is forced by his immigrant neighbors to confront his own long-held prejudices. The people he once called his neighbors have all moved or passed away, replaced by Hmong immigrants, from Southeast Asia, he despises. Resentful of virtually everything and everyone he sees, Walt is just waiting out the rest of his life, until the night his teenage neighbor Thao tries to steal his prized '72 Gran Torino, under pressure from Hmong gang-bangers. But Walt stands in the way of both the heist and the gang, making him the reluctant hero of the neighborhood-especially to Thao's mother and older sister, Sue, who insist that Thao work for Walt as a way to make amends. Though he initially wants nothing to do with these people, Walt eventually gives in and puts the boy to work, setting into motion an unlikely friendship that will change both their lives.01.03.2009
10.00p 01.03.2009
Valkyrie
Marcus Crosswoods UltraScreen Cinema
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Synopsis
A proud military man, Colonel Claus von Stauffenberg is a loyal officer who serves his country all the while hoping that someone will find a way to stop Hitler before Europe and Germany are destroyed. Realizing that time is running out, he decides that he must take action himself and joins the German resistance. Armed with a cunning strategy to use Hitler's own emergency plan--known as Operation Valkyrie--these men plot to assassinate the dictator and over-throw his Nazi government from the inside. With everything in place, with the future of the world, the fate of millions and the lives of his wife and children hanging in the balance, Stauffenberg is thrust from being one of many who oppose Hitler to the one who must kill Hitler himself.12.27.2008
10.00p 12.27.2008
The Spirit
Marcus Crosswoods UltraScreen Cinema
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Synopsis
Adapted from the legendary comic strip, "The Spirit" is a classic action-adventure-romance told by genre-twister Frank Miller. It is the story of a former rookie cop who returns mysteriously from the dead as the Spirit to fight crime from the shadows of Central City. His arch-enemy, the Octopus has a different mission: he's going to wipe out Spirit's beloved city as he pursues his own version of immortality. The Spirit tracks this cold-hearted killer from Central City's rundown warehouses, to the damp catacombs, to the windswept waterfront--all the while facing a bevy of beautiful women, who either want to seduce, love or kill our masked crusader. Surrounding him at every turn are Ellen Dolan, the whip-smart girl-next-door; Silken Floss, a punk secretary and frigid vixen; Plaster of Paris, a murderous French nightclub dancer; Lorelei, a phantom siren; and Morgenstern, a sexy young cop. Then of course, there's Sand Sarerf, the jewel thief with dangerous curves. She's the love of his life turned bad. Will he save her or will she kill him?12.20.2008
09.50p 12.20.2008
Yes Man
Marcus Crosswoods UltraScreen Cinema
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Synopsis
Carl Allen's life is going nowhere--the operative word being "no"--until he signs up for a self-help program based on one simple covenant: say yes to everything--and anything. Unleashing the power of "YES" begins to transform Carl's life in amazing and unexpected ways, getting him promoted at work and opening the door to a new romance. But, his willingness to embrace every opportunity might just become too much of a good thing.12.13.2008
09.45p 12.13.2008
The Day the Earth Stood Still
Marcus Crosswoods UltraScreen Cinema
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Synopsis
In this contemporary reinvention of the 1951 science fiction classic, renowned scientist Dr. Helen Benson finds herself face to face with an alien called Klaatu, who travels across the universe to warn of an impending global crisis. When forces beyond Helen's control treat the extraterrestrial as a hostile and deny his request to address the world's leaders, she and her estranged stepson Jacob quickly discover the deadly ramifications of Klaatu's claim that he is "a friend to the Earth." Now Helen must find a way to convince the entity who was sent to destroy us that mankind is worth saving--but it may be too late. The process has begun.12.06.2008
09.50p 12.06.2008
Punisher: War Zone
Marcus Crosswoods UltraScreen Cinema
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Synopsis
Waging his one-man war on the world of organized crime, ruthless vigilante-hero Frank Castle sets his sights on overeager mob boss Billy Russoti. After Russoti is left horribly disfigured by Castle, he sets out for vengeance under his new alias--Jigsaw. With the "Punisher Task Force" hot on his trail and the FBI unable to take Jigsaw in, Frank must stand up to the formidable army that Jigsaw has recruited before more of his evil deeds go unpunished.Transport me to Twilight
Whenever I am faced with a truly puzzling mystery regarding my movie-going hobby, I just boil it down to it's simplest points and see what comes out. I've done that with Twilight and Transporter 3. Here's what I have come up with:
12-year-old girls must have all the money!!
Really, they must secretly rule the world. Oil tzars? No. Italian mobsters? No. Illuminati? Only if they are a secret society of tweens. That's the only way I can explain how Twilight and Transporter 3 ever made it to the theater.
Both movies were so full of dialogue that was so sappy, you'd think the script was an 8th grade lit class project at an all girls school.
So, instead of ranting any farther, I am going to boil this down to the simplest points: a TOP TEN list of things that are better uses of your time (and more enjoyable) than going to see either of these movies.
10. root canal
09. ancient chineese water tourture
08. Rosie O'Donnell porn
07. wart removal
06. getting kicked in the shins
05. watching another Uwe Boll movie
04. septic tank repair
03. hot poker in the eye
02. re-runs of KKK rallies on the Jerry Springer show
01. being on fire
One good thing came out of watching suffering through these movies. Finally after all these years I have something to tell all those people that are currently on fire to help cheer them up: "It could be worse, you could be watching Transporter 3 or Twilight!"
11.29.2008
09.45p 11.29.2008
Transporter 3
Marcus Crosswoods UltraScreen Cinema
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Synopsis
Frank Martin has been pressured into transporting Valentina, the kidnapped daughter of Leonid Vasilev, the head of the Environmental Protection Agency for the Ukraine, from Marseilles through Stuttgart and Budapest until he ends up in Odessa on the Black Sea. Along the way, with the help of Inspector Tarconi, Frank has to contend with the people who strong armed him to take the job, agents sent by Vasilev to intercept him, and the general non-cooperation of his passenger. Despite Valentina's cynical disposition and his resistance to get involved, Frank and Valentina fall for each other, while escaping from one life-threatening situation after another.11.22.2008
10.15p 11.22.2008
Twilight
Marcus Crosswoods UltraScreen Cinema
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Synopsis
"Twilight" is an action-packed, modern-day love story between a teenage girl and a vampire. Bella Swan has always been a little bit different, never caring about fitting in with the trendy girls at her Phoenix high school. When her mother re-marries and sends Bella to live with her father in the rainy little town of Forks, Wash., she doesn't expect much of anything to change. Then she meets the mysterious and dazzlingly beautiful Edward Cullen, a boy unlike any she's ever met. Edward is a vampire, but he doesn't have fangs and his family is unique in that they choose not to drink human blood. Intelligent and witty, Edward sees straight into Bella's soul. Soon, they are swept up in a passionate, thrilling and unorthodox romance. To Edward, Bella is what he has waited 90 years for--a soul mate. But the closer they get, the more Edward must struggle to resist the primal pull of her scent, which could send him into an uncontrollable frenzy. But what will Edward and Bella do when a clan of new vampires--James, Laurent and Victoria--come to town and threaten to disrupt their way of life?11.15.2008
0.930p 11.15.2008
Quantum of Solace
Marcus Crosswoods UltraScreen Cinema
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Synopsis
Betrayed by Vesper, the woman he loved, 007 is determined to uncover the truth. He and M interrogate Mr. White who reveals the organization which blackmailed Vesper is far more complex and dangerous than anyone had imagined. Forensic intelligence links an MI6 traitor to a bank account in Haiti where Bond encounters the beautiful but feisty Camille, and she leads him to Dominic Greene, a ruthless business man and major force within the mysterious organization. On a mission that leads him to Austria, Italy and South America, Bond discovers that Greene, conspiring to take total control of one of the world's most important natural resources, is forging a deal with the exiled General Medrano. Using his associates in the organization, and manipulating his powerful contacts within the CIA and the British government, Greene promises to overthrow the existing regime in a Latin American country, giving the General control of the country in exchange for a seemingly barren piece of land. As Bond gets closer to finding the man responsible for betraying Vesper, he must keep one step ahead of the CIA, the terrorists and even M, to unravel Greene's sinister plan and stop his organization.11.08.2008
09.55p 11.08.2008
Role Models
Marcus Crosswoods UltraScreen Cinema
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Synopsis
Danny and Wheeler trash a company truck on an energy drink-fueled bender. Upon their arrest, the court gives them a choice: do hard time or spend 150 service hours with a mentorship program. After one day with the kids, however, jail doesn't look half bad. Surrounded by annoying do-gooders, Danny struggles with his every neurotic impulse to guide Augie through the trials of becoming a man. Unfortunately, the guy just dumped by his girlfriend has only sarcasm to offer a bashful 16-year-old obsessed with medieval role play. Meanwhile, charming Wheeler tries to trade in an addiction to partying and women to assist a fifth-grader named Ronnie redirect his foul-mouthed ways. It would probably help if Ronnie's new mentor wasn't an overgrown adolescent whose idea of quality time includes keggers in Venice Beach. Once the center's ex-con director gives them an ultimatum, Danny and Wheeler are forced to tailor their brand of immature wisdom to their charges. And if they can just make it through probation without getting thrown in jail, the world's worst role models will prove that, sometimes, it takes a village idiot to raise a child.11.01.2008
09.50p 11.01.2008
Zack and Miri Make a Porno
Marcus Crosswoods UltraScreen Cinema
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Synopsis
Lifelong friends and roommates Zack and Miri are facing hard times and a mountain of debt. When the electricity and plumbing get cut off, they seize upon the idea of making a homegrown porno movie for some quick cash, enlisting the help of their friends. The two vow that having sex will not ruin their friendship. But, as filming begins, what started out as a business proposition between friends turns into something much more.aliens are real
This is where I would normally write about the movie I saw this past weekend, but something happened to me that trumps anything that I could say about the movie:
I NOW HAVE PROOF THAT ALIENS EXIST AND THEY ARE PERFORMING SOCIAL EXPERIMENTS ON US.
Let me explain. I went to lunch today with a couple of friends from work, we'll call them Suzi and Steve.
So, Suzi, Steve and I went to get a bite to eat at a local buffet. So far, so good. We get our food and sit down. Pretty normal lunch conversation. Bitching about work, bitching about government, bitching about people that bitch about work and government. The usual.
Now, before I go any further, I need to explain something. In order for my theory to work, you must believe as I do (or just humor me for the sake of this writing). I firmly believe (after today) that aliens exist, and that all of the vast knowledge they have about us came from one source: re-runs of the Jerry Springer Show.
While we were eating, another patron walked in. I glance up and notice he has a pretty standard short hair-cut that one would find on any of a million blue-collar types. A simple short-cropped bowl-cut-esque style, and a prolific mustache straight out of a bad '70s porno, but there was one other thing: it's a mullet of epic proportions! I don't notice right away because it is braided and draped over his shoulder. It reached his waist easily! That is one HELL of a mullet! I am in shock.
I say to Steve, "man, I can't help it, but that guy just screams 'stereotype!' I wouldn't be surprised to see him in some dive bar, beer in hand, dip in mouth, flannel shirt unbuttoned 3 or 4 buttons, asking every chick he sees 'hey hot stuff, want a free mustache ride?!'"
At this point Steve looks over my left shoulder, glances at Mr. Mullet, and nods to me, somehow stifling a laugh. I say "no way! please tell me I'm wrong!" Steve replies with "Nope, you nailed it. Flannel. 3 buttons open. Dip."
Suzi has been following our exchange this whole time, but has managed to keep her laughing to a minimum. But, alas, that wasn't to last.
In walks another hungry group. A pretty little blond-haired, blue-eyed girl, maybe 16, 17 tops. In tow is a toddler. Also with them is the girl's mother. Now we have 3 generations, and I swear not a 30-year old among them. I'm sure you can see where this is going. I notice little details: the too small t-shirt on the teenager that was airbrushed at the mall. The "tramp-stamp" tattoo peeking out from under said t-shirt above bluejeans cut so low it would make an exotic dancer blush. Another tattoo on her neck in gangland script letting all the world know just who the "baby-daddy" is.
I decide to point all of this out to Suzi. I try to be subtle. "Suzi, I'm going to bring my son here on my next day off. 'Look, son, that over there is white trash.' It'll be educational." Suzi promptly chokes on her drink. (timing is everything!)
Now, just when I thought things were going to settle down, in walk the "frat-boys." They had it down to a T. They were meat head types, wearing t-shirts and shorts (in 30 degree weather, mind you) showing off bulging muscles complete with kanji tattoos on the inside of the biceps. Again, the little details stand out. At first glance I think it's a Hard Rock Cafe t-shirt from some impossibly exotic locale. Upon closer inspection it is revealed to me to be a Hard On Cafe t-shirt advertising a "gentleman's club" in southern Florida. Steve takes it all in stride, "I've seen worse. Hell, I think I've worn worse to family functions! I've got this one, on it is a squirrel with elephantitis ..." He never gets to finish. Suzi just can't seem to catch a break, and just about chokes on her latest bite of chicken. (Again, timing.)
At this point the meal is over. No more food could be consumed. We are laughing too hard. And a good thing too. In walks the most obese person I have ever seen still walking under her own power. She was one jelly donut away from being a lifetime patron of Bob's Angioplasty Palace. Suzi has just about recovered from her near-death experience, when I turn to her and say "Well, it's a good thing we're done eating. We'll never be able to compete with that." This time it's Steve who almost buys the farm with an egg roll lodged in his throat.
Let me pause here to tell you this: I know that if I share this next part, I will be going straight to Hell. No passing GO, no collecting $200. Hell. A very special Hell. Now that I've cleared that up, and not been struck dead thus far, I'll continue.
Bob's Angioplasty Palace patron is NOT alone. You see, I've taken my eyes off that group just long enough to ascertain if Steve needs a careful application of the Heimlich Maneuver, and when I look back, what I see makes me gasp out loud. All joking aside, I think I peed a little. "Suzi, you know how they say that there's no such thing as an ugly baby? Well ..." Suzi turned around and ALMOST managed to choke back the scream escaping her lips. It was horrific. This is NOT a baby. This is an 80-year-old woman shrunken down to infant size and placed in a high-chair. This is the kind of thing that Barnum and Bailey would have killed for.
At this point everyone in the restaurant is looking at us. We just can't stop laughing. A hasty getaway is a must. We throw down some cash, grab our coats, and get out as fast as we can.
Proof positive aliens are real, and are performing social experiments on us. They just want to know how 3 relatively normal people would react to a roomful of Jerry Springer Show stereotypes. I hope we gave them some good data.
10.25.2008
09.45p 10.25.2008
W.
Marcus Crosswoods UltraScreen Cinema
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Synopsis
Whether you love him or hate him, there is no question that George W. Bush is one of the most controversial public figures in recent memory. In an unprecedented undertaking, acclaimed director Oliver Stone is bringing the life of our 43rd president to the big screen as only he can. W takes viewers through Bush's eventful life--his struggles and triumphs, how he found both his wife and his faith, and of course the critical days leading up to Bush's decision to invade Iraq.10.18.2008
09.35p 10.18.2008
Max Payne
Marcus Crosswoods UltraScreen Cinema
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Synopsis
Max Payne is a maverick cop - a mythic anti-hero - determined to track down those responsible for the brutal murders of his family and partner. Hell-bent on revenge, his obsessive investigation takes him on a nightmare journey into a dark underworld. As the mystery deepens, Max is forced to battle enemies beyond the natural world and face an unthinkable betrayal.10.11.2008
09.30p 10.11.2008
Body of Lies
Marcus Crosswoods UltraScreen Cinema
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Synopsis
"Body of Lies" is based on "Washington Post" columnist David Ignatius' 2007 novel about a CIA operative, Roger Ferris, who uncovers a lead on a major terrorist leader suspected to be operating out of Jordan. When Ferris devises a plan to infiltrate his network, he must first win the backing of cunning CIA veteran Ed Hoffman and the collegial, but perhaps suspect, head of Jordanian intelligence. Although ostensibly his allies, Ferris questions how far he can really trust these men without putting his entire operation--and his life--on the line.10.04.2008
09.50p 10.04.2008
How to Lose Friends & Alienate People
Marcus Crosswoods UltraScreen Cinema
Forum Link
Synopsis
Sidney Young is a disillusioned intellectual who both adores and despises the world of celebrity, fame and glamour. His alternative magazine, Post Modern Review, pokes fun at the media obsessed stars and bucks trends, and so when Young is offered a job at the diametrically opposed conservative New York based Sharps magazine its something of a shock! It seems Sharps editor Clayton Harding is amused by Young's disruption of a post-BAFTA party with a pig posing as Babe. Thus begins Sidney's descent into success - his gradual move from derided outsider to confidante of starlet Sophie Maes - and a love affair with colleague Alison Olsen, that will either make him or break him.09.27.2008
09.50p 09.27.2008
Eagle Eye
Marcus Crosswoods UltraScreen Cinema
Forum Link
Synopsis
Jerry Shaw and Rachel Holloman are two strangers thrown together by a mysterious phone call from a woman they have never met. Threatening their lives and family, she pushes Jerry and Rachel into a series of increasingly dangerous situations--using the technology of everyday life to track and control their every move. As the situation escalates, these two ordinary people become the country's most wanted fugitives, who must work together to discover what is really happening--and more importantly, why.09.20.2008
09.45p 09.20.2008
Righteous Kill
Marcus Crosswoods UltraScreen Cinema
Forum Link
Synopsis
After 30 years as partners in the pressure cooker environment of the NYPD, highly decorated detectives David Fisk and Thomas Cowan should be ready for retirement, but aren't. Before they can hang up their badges, they are called in to investigate the murder of a notorious pimp, which appears to have ties to a case they solved years before. Like the original murder, the victim is a suspected criminal whose body is found accompanied by a four line poem justifying the killing. When additional crimes take place, it becomes clear the detectives are looking for a serial killer, one who targets criminals that have fallen through the cracks of the judicial system. His mission is to do what the cops can't do on their own-take the culprits off the streets for good. The similarities between the recent killings and their earlier case raise a nagging question: Did they put the wrong man behind bars?09.13.2008
09.30p 09.13.2008
Burn After Reading
Marcus Crosswoods UltraScreen Cinema
Forum Link
Synopsis
At the headquarters of the Central Intelligence Agency in Arlington, Va., analyst Osborne Cox arrives for a top-secret meeting. Unfortunately for Cox, the secret is soon out: he is being ousted. Cox does not take the news particularly well and returns to his Georgetown home to work on his memoirs and his drinking, not necessarily in that order. His wife Katie is dismayed, though not particularly surprised; she is already well into an illicit affair with Harry Pfarrer, a married federal marshal, and sets about making plans to leave Cox for Harry. Elsewhere in the Washington, D.C., suburbs, and seemingly worlds apart, Hardbodies Fitness Centers employee Linda Litzke can barely concentrate on her work. She is consumed with her life plan for extensive cosmetic surgery, and confides her mission to can-do colleague Chad Feldheimer. Linda is all but oblivious to the fact that the gym's manager Ted Treffon pines for her even as she arranges dates via the Internet with other men. When a computer disc containing material for the CIA analyst's memoirs accidentally falls into the hands of Linda and Chad, the duo are intent on exploiting their find. As Ted frets, "No good can come of this," events spiral out of everyone's and anyone's control, in a cascading series of darkly hilarious encounters.09.06.2008
09.45p 09.06.2008
Bangkok Dangerous
Marcus Crosswoods UltraScreen Cinema
Forum Link
Synopsis
The life of an anonymous assassin takes an unexpected turn when he travels to Thailand to complete a series of contract killings. Joe a remorseless hitman, is in Bangkok to execute four enemies of a ruthless crime boss named Surat. He hires Kong, a street punk and pickpocket, to run errands for him with the intention of covering his tracks by killing him at the end of the assignment. Strangely, Joe, the ultimate lone wolf, instead finds himself mentoring the young man while simultaneously being drawn into a tentative romance with a local shop girl. As he falls further under the sway of Bangkok's intoxicating beauty, Joe begins to question his isolated existence and let down his guard …just as Surat decides it's time to clean house.08.30.2008
09.45p 08.30.2008
Babylon A.D.
Marcus Crosswoods UltraScreen Cinema
Forum Link
Synopsis
It is the not-too-distant future. Thousands of satellites scan, observe and monitor our every move. Much of the planet is a war zone; the rest, a collection of wretched way stations, teeming megalopolises, and vast wastelands punctuated by areas left radioactive from nuclear meltdowns. It is a world made for hardened warriors, one of whom, a mercenary known only as Toorop, lives by a simple survivor's code: kill or be killed. His latest assignment has him smuggling a young woman named Aurora from a convent in Kazakhstan to New York City. Toorop, his new young charge Aurora and Aurora's guardian Sister Rebeka embark on a 6,000-mile journey that takes them from Eastern Europe, through a refugee camp in "New Russia," across the Bering Straight in a pilfered submarine, then through the frozen tundra of Alaska and Canada, and finally to New York. Facing obstacles at every turn, Toorop, the killer for hire, is tested like never before, in ways he could never have imagined--as he comes to understand that he is the custodian of the only hope for the future of mankind. For the first time in his life, Toorop has to make a choice: to make a difference or walk away and save himself. Too bad it came on the day he died.Star Wars: Why Me?
I had a really cool write-up all laid out for this, but then I saw the Joe Loves Crappy Movies post, and gave up.
I'm going to go drink now ...
./revlinux
08.23.2008
09.45p 08.23.2008
Death Race
Marcus Crosswoods UltraScreen Cinema
Forum Link
Synopsis
Three-time speedway champion Jensen Ames is an expert at survival in the harsh landscape that has become our country. Just as he thinks he has turned his life around, the ex-con is framed for a gruesome murder he didn't commit. Forced to don the mask of the mythical driver Frankenstein--a crowd favorite who seems impossible to kill--Ames is given an easy choice by Terminal Island's warden: suit up or rot away in a cell. His face hidden by a metallic mask, Ames must survive a gauntlet of the most vicious criminals in the country's toughest prison to claim the prize of freedom. Driving a monster car outfitted with machine guns, flamethrowers and grenade launchers, he will destroy anything in his path to win the most twisted spectator sport on Earth.RevLinux a.k.a president of the "I HATE BEN STILLER FAN CLUB"
Dear Potential Member:
Thank you for your interest in I.H.B.S.F.C. My name is RevLinux, and I love movies. It is a great hobby, and I'm sure you already know, it is a sacred hobby. I like movies of all kinds. Horror, Sci-Fi, Comedy, Drama, Stoner Movies, and even Foreign Films.
Ben Stiller is to movies like thinking is to religion. I have found better acting in a YouTube video of a 2nd grade play. The man needs to stop right-fracking-now!
But, the worst thing he has ever done, my friend, is to make a good movie! He wrote and directed it even. (I always thought that Ben Stiller was as useful in the writers' room as a centipede with 98 missing legs.) How dare he do such a vile thing. Tropic Thunder was a laugh-riot. I will never forgive him. WE shall never let him live this down. He has made our lives here at I.H.B.S.F.C. a living hell. Our membership has plummeted. Our geek cred is no more.
Following are a list of rules pulled right from the Tropic Thunder section of our charter:
- Members shall never mention having seen Tropic Thunder.
- Members shall never talk about the perfect cast that was put together for the Movie Tropic Thunder. Robert Downey Jr. playing an Australian playing a black man is priceless and a forbidden topic. Jack Black's performance as a doped out Eddie Murphy-esqe comedy actor will never grace our message boards.
- Admitting the brilliance of the writing in Tropic Thunder is expressly forbidden and will get a member banned for life. Not one word is to be spoken about the Jack Black tied to a tree scene. Or the Downey Jr. Jefferson's theme song moment. Or the "I killed the one thing I love the most" "OK, you killed a hooker. Here's what you do ... " bit.
- Tom Cruise is a minor god among actors, it's OK to mention his performance.
- Ben Stiller is a Baby Thrower! (no, this isn't some code or euphemism, he literately throws babies)
- There shall be no quoting the lines "I only know what sound it makes when it takes a man's life" and "mother nature just pi$$ed her pants, dude!" and "I'm a lead farmer, motherf*cker!" or even "I know who I am! I'm the dude playing the dude disguised as another dude!"
- Never, EVER, go full retard.
As you can see, we take things very seriously here at I.H.B.S.F.C. and I hope to see you at our meetings soon.
Thank you again for your interest!
./RevLinux
08.16.2008
09.55p 08.15.2008
Tropic Thunder
Marcus Crosswoods UltraScreen Cinema
Forum Link
Synopsis
A group of self-absorbed actors sets out to make the most expensive war film. After ballooning costs force the studio to cancel the movie, the frustrated director refuses to stop shooting, leading his cast into the jungles of Southeast Asia, where they encounter real bad guys.
09.55p 08.16.2008Star Wars: The Clone Wars
Marcus Crosswoods UltraScreen Cinema
Forum Link
Synopsis
"Star Wars: The Clone Wars" showcases an entirely new look and feel to the galaxy far, far away--combining the expansive scope of the "Star Wars" Saga with state-of-the-art computer-generated animation. On the front lines of an intergalactic struggle between good and evil, fans young and old will join such favorite characters as Anakin Skywalker, Obi-Wan Kenobi and Padmé Amidala, along with brand-new heroes like Anakin's padawan learner, Ahsoka. Sinister villains--led by Palpatine, Count Dooku and General Grievous--are poised to rule the galaxy. Stakes are high, and the fate of the Star Wars universe rests in the hands of the daring Jedi Knights. Their exploits lead to the action-packed battles and astonishing new revelations that fill "Star Wars: The Clone Wars."how high?
Stoner movies are a staple of my hobby.
The Big Lebowski (1998)
Fast Times At Ridgemont High (1982)
Dazed and Confused (1993)
Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle (2004)
Half Baked (1998)
Up In Smoke (1978)
PCU (1994)
The list goes on.
Now, I'm not big on getting "stoned." I've never tried drugs stronger than anything prescribed to me after getting my wisdom teeth pulled. I don't even drink very often, and anyone that knows me knows my stance on "altered states" in general. So why do I like these movies so much? I can't relate. I have no stories that start with "I was sooo wasted ..." I can't even empathize with the characters. I have nothing to draw a connection to these types of films, but I love them. They entertain me to no end. Maybe it's for just the reasons I mentioned. The only way I'm willing to experience getting wasted is through these movies, "second hand" as-it-were.
So, my brain cells prepared themselves for this movie like a herd of lemmings looking for a suitable cliff. And, boy, were they right!
Pineapple Express is one for the books. I know I may have "let the monkey out of the bottle" as it were, but it was good. The mark of a good stoner movie (in my humble opinion) is me asking the question "do I feel like I just lost brain cells?? If so, how many? And, how did they die? A couple at a time? In droves? Can I even remember how to tie my shoes?"
Seth Rogen and James Franco gave a solid enough performance that a couple of those questions are now answered. Yes, I lost brain cells. Lots of brain cells. They died a horrible, screaming, laugh-induced death the likes of witch would make the Rev. Jim Jones envious.
One thing that was a new addition to the "stoner movie" was Action. It was an interesting twist. The stoner friends had to pull together and overcome adversity greater than "Funk, Gutter, funk! George Clinton, Parliament Funkadelic. Dude, aren't you a music major?" It was a nice touch. It gave the characters a chance for some great sight gags, and non-too-few shots at popular culture action movie staples.
Overall Pineapple Express was a good addition to the stoner movie club.
"Damn, you just got killed by a Daewoo Lanos!"
08.09.2008
10.00p 08.09.2008
Pineapple Express
Marcus Crosswoods UltraScreen Cinema
Forum Link
Synopsis
Lazy stoner Dale Denton has only one reason to visit his equally lazy dealer Saul Silver: to purchase weed, specifically, a rare new strain called Pineapple Express. But when Dale becomes the only witness to a murder by a crooked cop and the city's most dangerous drug lord, he panics and dumps his roach of Pineapple Express at the scene. Dale now has another reason to visit Saul: to find out if the weed is so rare that it can be traced back to him. And it is. As Dale and Saul run for their lives, they quickly discover that they're not suffering from weed-fueled paranoia; incredibly, the bad guys really are hot on their trail and trying to figure out the fastest way to kill them both. All aboard the Pineapple Express.The Mumm-**yawn**
The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor could very well be one of the worst movies ever made. There, I said it and I feel better. If this had been Plan 9 from Outer Space bad, I wouldn't be writing this. There is something to be said for good old-fashioned b-movie campiness. But no, it was direct-to-video bad. It was House of the Dead bad. It was Battlefield Earth: A Saga of the Year 3000 bad. It was, dare I say it, In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale bad.
I know, I know! You're thinking "but Rev, how could that be!" or for our more southern readers "Say it ain't so!" Well, it's true. Now keep in mind the bar was not set too high. It's the mummy for pete's sake! I was in it for some good ol' rip-roarin' fun! But, alas! it was not to be.
I know we are to suspend disbelief for a couple of hours or so when attending our pass time of choice, but dear god do I have to shut down my brain ENTIRELY?!? When Emperor Han (Jet Li) gets turned into terra cotta yard art, he's in a less than flattering pose. We see him later majestically holding the reigns of his chariot team, still terra cotta mind you. I guess they wet him down a little and re-posed him.
But, I digress. The real point of my bringing up Jet Li is to say this: He got a paycheck for what must have been about 9 minutes of screen time at most. The other 103 minutes of the movie he was animated by the same folks that made the California Raisins commercial. OK, so that was a little harsh. At best the "animations" were not up to the standard set by a Wallace & Gromit skit.
Also, he took a page out of Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson's play book and decided to lend his name to the project, but didn't want to actually show up for any shooting after the first motion capture session. Am I the only one that has a problem with a shape-shifting, sword-wielding, two thousand-year old, flower pot with legs?!? The shape-shifting was cool except for one thing: If I wanted to kick Brendan Fraser's ass (and I do after watching this movie), I would just shape-shift into JET-FREAKING-LI!!
There are some fun moments. Really there were, I just can't recall any at the moment. I'm sure they were there. You'll just have to take my word on this.
One not-so-fun moment that sticks out in my memory is the Yeti fight. Let me clarify: A group of Yeti hear the call of Lin (Isabella Leong), the two-thousand year old gaurdian of Emperor Han's tomb (ya'know, just in case someone were to try to raise him from the dead), and fight the Chinese Army at the sacred temple in the Himalayas. One army soldier gets kicked over the archway leading into the sacred grounds, and the director thinks its a good idea to have a Yeti give the "field goal" gesture. How is that a good idea? I think a little piece of my soul died just then.
There is no real way to enjoy this movie. Well, maybe that's not entirely accurate. I can think of one way. You could borrow my Big Scary Bob©. Yup, you read that right. I am willing to lend you my Big Scary Bob©. For a very reasonable fee, my Big Scary Bob© will come to your house and beat you within an inch of your life. You see, only through punch-drunk haze of severe head trauma could you possibly find this movie worth watching.