post-apcolyptic inventions

i had a big write-up planned for last week's movie. really i did. i got most of the way through it before i trashed it all. instead, i think you will get a better idea about how i felt about Resident Evil: Extinction if i do it this way:

picture if you will: a late nite infomercial

(cheesy music) ... do, DA, da, doo! umbrella corporation, serving the greater good for ... well, forever!

announcer: coming to you LIVE from far below raccoon city, it's great inventions. your weekly source for all things life-changing.


Alice #42: welcome to another episode of Great Inventions. tonite our guest is the renowned scientist Dr. Isaacs. glad to have you here doc.

(emerges from behind a red velvet curtain)

Dr. Isaacs: glad to be here, Alice #42.

Alice #42: so, what do you have for us tonite? another breakthrough in your cosmetic line, T-VIRUS?

Dr. Isaacs: (smiling coyly) no.

Alice #42: another great discovery from your genetics lab?

Dr. Isaacs: not quite.

Alice #42: please tell us. the suspense is killing us.

(from the crowd) - "SO ARE THESE INFECTED ZOMBIES!!"

(uproarious laughter)

Dr. Isaacs: ha ha! so they are! well, i can help you with that. how many of you have ever just been minding your own business, walking the dog in the yard, enjoying the new miles and miles of "beaches" and BAM! your dog gets snatched by one of those pesky zombies?

Alice #42: i'm sure most of us. why, that happened to me just last week ...


Alice #42: ... by my mother-in-law, i'm sure.


Dr. Isaacs: well, she's a mindless zombie now.

Alice #42: not sure that's changed anything!

(laughter and applause)

Alice #42: i think we've waited long enough, Doc. what do you say we see what he brought?!?


Dr. Isaacs: here it is, my invention that will revolutionize the security industry!

(draws back curtain)

Alice #42: that's ... that's a chain-link fence? i'm pretty sure you didn't invent the chain-link fence, Doc.

Dr. Isaacs: ahh, but that's where you're wrong!

Alice #42: you mean it's not a chain-link fence?

Dr. Isaacs: no, it is. but i DID invent it! also, i invented the internet and PANTS!

Alice #42: um ...

Dr. Isaacs: (to Alice #42) i do have something to admit, i actually didn't invent pants

(boo's from crowd)

Dr. Isaacs: but, i did invent POCKETS!

(ooh's and ahh's)

Alice #42: tell us more!

Dr. Isaacs: well, with this new invention coupled with my other invention; the square, you can set up a perimeter that will keep out dozens, no MILLIONS, of zombies!

Alice #42: wow!

Dr. Isaacs: and that's not all! order now, and i'll trow in a GATE!

Alice #42: a gate?! that's just wonderful! you've thought of everything Doc!

Dr. Isaacs: and how much would you pay for such a quality product?

crowd: $500!! $1000!! $1200!!

Dr. Isaacs: (chuckles) close! but no. i am offering this to you at a one-time-only TV price. 36 easy payments of $299.95 plus $35 S+H!

Alice #42: (to crowd) isn't he great folks!!


Dr. Isaacs: but wait! there's more!

Alice #42: more?!?

Dr. Isaacs: order in the next 20 minutes, and i'll throw in a free, yes FREE, "no trespassing" sign!


announcer: Dr. Isaacs' chain-link fence, from umbrella corporation, the best around! not like bob's I-beam company, they're just selling crap.

Dr. Isaacs: bite me bob!

(fade out to a standing ovation)


10.45p 09.22.2007

Resident Evil: Extinction

AMC Easton Town Center 30 (click for online ticket purchase)


"Resident Evil: Extinction" picks up where the last film left off. Alice, now in hiding in the Nevada desert, once again joins forces with Carlos Olivera and L.J., along with new survivors Claire, K-Mart and Nurse Betty to try to eliminate the deadly virus that threatens to make every human being undead...and to seek justice. Since being captured by the Umbrella Corporation, Alice has been subjected to biogenic experimentation and becomes genetically altered, with super-human strengths, senses and dexterity. These skills, and more, will be needed if anyone is to remain alive.


11.55p 09.15.2007

Mr. Woodcock

AMC Easton Town Center 30 with IMAX (click for online ticket purchase)


For students at Forest Meadow Middle School, P.E. class is not playtime, but rather an exercise in mental and physical humiliation administered by the tough as gristle Mr. Woodcock. Run more like a military boot camp than a gym class, Woodcock's physical education class takes on a new meaning where no child's flaws or weaknesses are safe from the torture and embarrassment that follow the sound of the despised teacher's whistle. For John Farley, author of the national bestseller Letting Go: Getting Past Your Past, the painful memories of being in Mr. Woodcock's class have since been replaced by the self confidence gained from becoming a successful writer and motivational speaker. When a last minute cancellation on his book tour gives him an unexpected day off, John returns home to surprise his mother, Beverly, with the news that he will be awarded the small town's prestigious "Corn Cob Key" during its annual Cornival Festival. John's jubilation quickly turns to angst when he discovers his mother has fallen in love with Mr. Woodcock. Forced to spend time with his old nemesis, John must endure the familiar sting of his former teacher's sharp tongue and intimidation tactics all over again. Ignoring the pleas of his hard-nosed book publicist Maggie to get back on tour, John extends his visit in an effort to disrupt the relationship between his mother and Woodcock, but with each passing day he finds himself regressing deeper into the insecurities and awkwardness that plagued his youth. Mortified and panic-stricken by the inevitability of his mother marrying the one man he truly despises, John enlists the help of his old school mate, Jay Nedderman, in a last-ditch attempt to take down Mr. Woodcock. The result is a series of hilarious confrontations that lead John to discover that one's past is often hard to escape.


10.40p 09.08.2007

Shoot 'Em Up

Rave Motion Pictures Polaris 18 (click for online ticket purchase)


Clive Own stars in this gritty, over the top action thriller as Mr. Smith, a gun-toting badass with a hair trigger and an unknown past. He's far from a doctor and farther from a parent, but when he unwittingly discovers an innocent woman delivering a baby right in the middle of a gunfight, Smith enters the fray to save her and though the woman expires, he is the one left in care of the orphaned child. He thinks that the killers were after the woman, but soon he realizes that they had a far more unlikely target: the baby. Smith's regular company is a seedy underworld full of unsavory characters, so he takes the child to the closest thing he knows to a mother: a sultry prostitute known as Dairy Queen, played by Monica Bellucci, who specializes in clientele with a mommy fetish. Teamed with his hot but unlikely partner DQ, Smith unloads barrel after barrel to protect the mysterious baby from Mr. Hertz, a ruthless criminal mastermind played by Paul Giamatti. Smith plans to figure out why Hertz and his thugs are after the baby, but if he can't uncover the truth, he'll settle for leaving them all dead in the process.


10.50p 09.01.2007


Rave Motion Pictures Polaris 18 (click for online ticket purchase)


The residents of Haddonfield don't know it yet... but death is coming to their small sleepy town. Fifteen years ago a small six year old boy called Michael Myers brutally slashed his elder sister to death. Locked up till his 21st birthday, he escapes the mental institution that held him for fifteen years and makes his way back to his hometown intent on a murderous rampage pursued by Dr Sam Loomis who is Michael's doctor and the only one who knows Michael's true evil. Elsewhere a shy teenager by the name of Laurie Strode is babysitting on the night Michael comes home... is it pure coincidence that she and her friends are being stalked by him?