10.55p 01.26.2008


AMC Lennox Town center 24 (click for online ticket purchase)


John Rambo has retreated to northern Thailand, where he's running a longboat on the Salween River. On the nearby Thai-Burma (Myanmar) border, the world's longest-running civil war, the Burmese-Karen conflict, rages into its 60th year. But Rambo, who lives a solitary, simple life in the mountains and jungles fishing and catching poisonous snakes to sell, has long given up fighting, even as medics, mercenaries, rebels and peace workers pass by on their way to the war-torn region. That all changes when a group of human rights missionaries search out the American river guide John Rambo. When Sarah and Michael Bennett approach him, they explain that since last year's trek to the refugee camps, the Burmese military has laid land mines along the road, making it too dangerous for overland travel. They ask Rambo to guide them up the Salween and drop them off, so they can deliver medical supplies and food to the Karen tribe. After initially refusing to cross into Burma, Rambo takes them, dropping off Sarah, Michael and the aid workers. Less than two weeks later, pastor Arthur Marsh finds Rambo and tells him the aid workers did not return and the embassies have not helped locate them. He tells Rambo he's mortgaged his home and raised money from his congregation to hire mercenaries to get the missionaries, who are being held captive by the Burmese army. Although the United States military trained him to be a lethal super soldier in Vietnam, decades later Rambo's reluctance for violence and conflict are palpable, his scars faded, yet visible. However, the lone warrior knows what he must do.

The Chow on Cloverfield

Ok, first of all, the shaky camera bit, loose it. Comeon, buy a camera that's got image stabilization. And what's with 1/2 of the party scene being filmed at like a 45 degree angle? Sure you're trying to get the home movie bit, but even the worse drunken hack should be able to hold the camera something close to level with the ground.

* Spoiler Alert *
As da'Moose said, the party scene was way too long. If it was a DoD film that was used as archive footage of a major incident, I think they'd find it okay to edit out some of the emo from the 20-/30-somethings going away party.

Another thing, when they were trudging through the subway tunnels (with no light source of course) and they saw the swarm of rats running by them. What exactly was going through their minds. Were they wondering what the old idiom "like rats deserting a sinking ship" comes from? AND having problems figuring it out? When sewer rats are swarming, it's typically because one of the following scenarios: an approaching flood, an approaching fire, some sort of chemical hazard, a swarm of aliens which impregnate people with critters that explode from their abdomen a few hours later. I'd qualify all of those as A Very Bad Thing (tm) and then see if I can outrun the rats.

I am surprised how good footage the camera man got of him being attacked by the little critters. If I was holding a camera and attacked by something that looks like the jaw from some dinosaur with legs, the definition of camera would change from "a device that consists of a lightproof chamber with an aperture fitted with a lens and a shutter through which the image of an object is projected onto a surface for recording (as on film) or for translation into electrical impulses (as for television broadcast)" (1) to "a device used to bludgeon a creature attempting to eat me for a midnight snack". Yes, it'd screw up the camera work a little more, but that's understandable...

When the gang arrived at the field hospital, what was going through their minds? "Marlena was attacked by one of those aliens and was bleeding badly, do you think we should get her medical attention? Nah. It's only a flesh wound."
* End Spoiler Alert *

Overall, I did enjoy the movie. I take off a point for the shaky camera crap (yeah, I really hate that bit), and a 1/2 point for not having enough about Cloverfield itself, so final ranking 3.5 steady cams out of a possible 5.

Happy Birthday Revlinux!

You'll always be a snotnose to me! :-)

da'Moose on Cloverfield

Cloverfield.... Wow. This movie is what would happen if you took John McClane, Chow Yun Fat, Chuck Norris, and Jet Li, put them in a blender, hit puree, and poured the contents onto some movie cels. It is, truly, full of awesome and win. The shaking camcorder style was blatant, but didn't bother me as much as I thought it would. The theme music was almost non-existant, a la Hitchcock's "The Birds", which was a nice touch. This helped the movie seem more like the documentary they were trying to pull off, and less like a production movie. The effects and character controls were top notch for the monster, as you could really feel like you're seeing something that no one has seen before.

So, I'm sure you're all wondering the same thing I am. What is that monster?? Godzilla's deformed 2nd cousin? A giant ill-tempered mutated sea bass? Ralph Nader? What?!?! Supposedly, if you followed the viral marketing campaign, there was more backstory about Taguroto and it's mining operations that uncovered.... something... along with the whole Slush-O/parasite thing that was never really mentioned in the movie.

Many people had a gripe about the scene with the billowing cloud of smoke, dust, and asbestos rolling down the street, and it evoking strong memories of 9/11. I think it fit in well as a plot device in that particular scene. Of course, I'm wary to even mention that date, as people go insane about it anyways. *shrug*

My request to movie makers... Can you give the Brooklyn Bridge a break? You blew the crap out of it with missiles in "I am Legend" and now you break it in half with a giant monster arm. Give it a breather folks! sheesh.

*small spoilers ahead*

Honestly, I only have small gripes about this movie. I wish they would have spent a little less time in the beginning at the party, and a little more time in the field hospital scene. OK, I get it, you're filming your friend's going away party. Fine. I don't care. As far as I'm concerned you could have turned the camera on AT the party, said "Hey, this is a party" --boom and into the power outage. I would have been fine with that. That was left in, but the whole scene after Merlana or whatever her name is, pops and little things start attacking people. That was important! /sigh. Hope they put a longer scene of that in the director's cut.

Did the scriptwriters for this work on Doom as well? All the technology in the world, and the characters wouldn't/couldn't/didn't think of a friggin flashlight? Not only did they not have one, they didn't think to pick one up at the electronics store?? come again? Matches? Candles? something to make a spark and a damn torch? Huh?? I know... suspense. Perhaps it was just the yuppie New Yorker mentality, but I know if something like that went down, the first things I'd have in a bag would be a couple mag-lites, a 12 gauge, probably a Glock 23 with all the shells I can find, and some food. Of course, I also have a dose of common sense on my side. YMMV.

*end possible spoilers*

All in all, it was a kickass movie. Once the ball got rolling, it was a non-stop rollercoaster. I give it 4.5 antlers, out of 5. Definitely can't wait to see what they put on the DVD for this one.


you ever wonder how i come up with some of my reviews?
now you know.

(click to enlarge)



10.45p 01.19.2008


Rave Motion Pictures Polaris 18 (click for online ticket purchase)


Five young New Yorkers throw their friend a going-away party the night that a monster the size of a skyscraper descends upon the city. Their video camera documents their attempt to survive the most surreal, horrifying event of their lives.

An open letter to Uwe Boll


I cannot think of a way to put into text the feelings I have after watching your movie, In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale, better than "Wow!"

Uwe Boll you are a demi-god among mere directors. You managed to keep hold of your vision and take creative control in these the worst of times and I applaud you! No one but you, Mr. Boll could take such a cast and keep every last ounce of talent from getting out of control. Well, almost. Matthew Lillard, you undirectable hack, how could you dare to put in such a convincing performance as a sniveling, lying, traitorous nephew of the king. Shame. SHAME I say! After this movie, it is safe to say: you shall never work in this town again!

Mr. Boll, I have to hand it to you: getting Burt Reynolds to play the great and mighty king!?! He was a perfect choice. (and he works on the cheap! That bottle of Jack Daniels between every take was sheer genius, Uwe! And who cares about that schmuck Opie?!? He couldn't have done better casting job!)

Oh, Uwe! The fight scenes, the sweeping landscapes, the NINJA's!!! I'm truly awe-struck. Ninjas in a sword-and-sorcery fantasy tale is just a stroke of pure enlightened genius! I can't forget to mention the tree lesbians. Amazing work. The way you stuck to your guns (damn those writers! they don't know anything!) and had that character flip-flop her position about helping those “war-loving, useless men.” Brilliant!

Uwe, don't ever change! BloodRayne 3 is just around the corner, and your adoring fans are waiting!

So, don't get discouraged, don't listen to the critics, Uwe. Or the public. Or the blogs. Or the newsreels. Or your "peers" (we all know you have none!) Keep up the good work!

Yours truly,



10.30p 01.12.2008

In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale

Rave Motion Pictures Polaris 18 (click for online ticket purchase)


An unspeakably evil army rampages across what was an idyllic, peaceful world, destroying everything in its path, looking to conquer the mighty Castle Ebb and vanquish the King himself! Amidst this backdrop of war in the Kingdom of Ehb, between the evil Gallian and the ruling King Konreid, a once simple family man named Farmer sets out to find his kidnapped wife, Solana, and avenge the death of his son, who was killed by animal warriors called Krugs.

da'Moose on AvP:R

AVP:R. Yeah. What can you really write about this?

"Moose! Don't give away the plot!!"

Well, I'm sorry. There were Aliens... being hunted by Predators... It's not exactly going to win any Sundance awards here. I don't know though, with Oscar-worthy lines like "The government doesn't lie to people!?", it's hard to understand how this gem got overlooked.

Why only send 1 Predator? Did he not see 2 or 3 of his fellow badasses get wtfpwn'd by these things, CAUSING the "story"? Yes, there's a Pred-alien hybrid (this isn't a give away, as you saw it happen at the end of the last movie). This should have left a clue to the Predators that "Hey, we might be a liiiiitle over our heads here".

Now with that said, there were some good parts to the movie. The character development was simple (Hello outcase_boy_01, this is insecure_girl_01 followed closely by mother_saving_daughter_03 and villian_turned_hero_01). Some people might consider this a con, but it let the story move along quickly and get back to the action without too many "hallmark" moments. This isn't a movie you'll catch on Lifetime anytime soon. The action sequences were fast paced, though with a tinge of futility, as no matter how many aliens fell, there were always 2 to take the place of each fallen.

There's still one plot hole I'm confused about though.

NOTE: There is a spoiler ahead. If you don't want to see it, stop reading now!!

Could someone explain why the town had to be evacuated after the power plant got blown up, but NOT after the frickin nuclear damn explosion in the woods obliterated the predator ship?! You think SOMEONE might have noticed that REALLY bright light and thought "Hmmmmm... Yanno Wilbur, I think that might be bad..." I get it, backwoods Colorado. People are none-too-smart. C'mon... 2 nukes in a movie is 1 nuke too many, even for the Predator series.

This movie gets 3 out of 5 antlers. Good for a Sunday afternoon, but it's not making the top 10 groundbreaking films of the year.



10.50p 01.05.2008

Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem

Rave Motion Pictures Polaris 18 (click for online ticket purchase)


Two Predators load several live Alien facehuggers and his dead comrade onto a ship, intending to return to the Predator homeworld. Unbeknown to him, the dead comrade was impregnated with an Alien before dying ...

Dallas returns to Gunnison after a stint in the state penitentiary. He is picked up at the bus station by Morales; Dallas and Morales used to be partners in crime, but Morales is now the county's sheriff. Also arriving home is Kelly, after a tour of duty in Iraq. Her husband, Tim is overjoyed to see her, but their daughter, Molly, is unsure of how to react to her mother's return. She does, however, enjoy the night-vision goggles Kelly brought home as a souvenir ...