Deadpool: prophet? or puppy?

X-Men Origins: Wolverine is out this week. I know that all of you are just as anxious as I am to see it. As much as I like Hugh Jackman as our beloved cigar smoking, father killing, side-burned tortured soul, I am ecstatic that my favourite psychopath Deadpool is making an appearance!

Back in 1997 Marvel gave us Wade Wilson, a lovable mercenary that has the gift of gab. He's been one of the most interesting characters to ever grace the pages of Marvel's comic books.

But is he a prophet?

See, some say that to be a prophet you need to predict a great many things. I disagree. I think to be a bona fide prophet, you just need to be right.

Deadpool hit the nail on the head.

That's right folks! Way back in 2002, Cable vs. Deadpool #3 pg.13, Deadpool let us know that Ryan Renolds is the only man for the job!

Granted, Deadpool didn't really make a prediction, and well, it could be that all the good shar-pei puppies in L.A. were too busy to be bothered, but hey! we'll take what we can get! Score one for good ol' Wade Wilson!

Suck it Nostradamus!


10.10p 04.25.2009

Observe and Report

Marcus Crosswoods UltraScreen Cinema

Forum Link


At the Forest Ridge Mall, head of security Ronnie Barnhardt patrols his jurisdiction with an iron fist, combating skateboarders, shoplifters and the occasional unruly customer while dreaming of the day when he can swap his flashlight for a badge and a gun. His delusions of grandeur are put to the test when the mall is struck by a flasher. Driven to protect and serve the mall and its patrons, Ronnie seizes the opportunity to showcase his underappreciated law enforcement talents on a grand scale, hoping his solution of this crime will earn a coveted spot at the police academy and the heart of his elusive dream girl Brandi, the hot make-up counter clerk who won't give him the time of day. But his single-minded pursuit of glory launches a turf war with the equally competitive Detective Harrison of the Conway Police, and Ronnie is confronted with the challenge of not only catching the flasher, but getting him before the real cops do.


10.00p 04.18.2009

Crank: High Voltage

Marcus Crosswoods UltraScreen Cinema

Forum Link


Picking up immediately where the first movie left off, "Crank High Voltage" finds Chev Chelios surviving the climactic plunge to his most certain death on the streets of Los Angeles, only to be kidnapped by a mysterious Chinese mobster. Three months later, Chev wakes up to discover his nearly indestructible heart has been surgically removed and replaced with a battery-operated ticker that requires regular jolts of electricity in order to work. After a dangerous escape from his captors, Chev is on the run again, this time from the charismatic Mexican gang boss El Huron, and the Chinese Triads, headed by the dangerous 100 year-old elder Poon Dong. Once again turning to Doc Miles for medical advice, receiving help from his friend Kaylo's twin brother Venus, and re-connecting with his girlfriend Eve, who is no longer in the dark about what he does for a living, Chev is determined to get his real heart back and wreak vengeance on whoever stole it, embarking on an electrifying chase through Los Angeles where anything goes to stay alive.

Public Service Announcement

Your portly, tame racing driver would like everyone to be aware that Crank: High Voltage appears to be unavailable for preview.  Further, (could be a mitigating circumstance depending on your point of view) the film is said to include a scene of sodomy by pump action shotgun.

This is what our esteemed leader has chosen for us.

Talk amongst yourselves.


09.40p 04.11.2009

Dragonball Evolution

Marcus Crosswoods UltraScreen Cinema

Forum Link

Goku and a handful of friends battle for the Earth against the deadly forces of the Saiyans, who are sweeping across the universe, leaving a path of destruction. Goku and his friends' best chance for survival rests with the Namekian DragonBalls, which provide them the power to summon a mighty dragon.

Paper beats Rock; Muscle beats Import ... every time!

So, I got a message from The Big Stig (Some say he can get you a us, just don't ask how; and at the slightest threat he will separate his saucer section).  It seems that somehow Fast and Furious 4 managed to bring In $72.5 million for its opening weekend.


Now The Big Stig (Some say, he tugs on Superman's cape, and spits in the wind...but knows not to mess around with Jim) is very very upset about this, and who can blame him. When Vin "The Angry Potato" Diesel can draw such huge box office receipts, then we know that the sate of affairs for America's entertainment industry is only one Big Gulp away from Idiocracy levels. 

But, here's the real rub: I really like these movies. I even liked the "Tokyo Drift redneck-meets-hip-hop-saki comedy hour." These movies are fast-paced, non-stop, no-holds-barred, action-packed thrill rides. Hot women, fast cars, mind-numbing diologe; they have the whole package. I know that when I am done seeing one of these movies, I am going to drive too fast. I am going to try to talk my wife into a Ménage à Trois, and be truly surprised when I get slapped. I am going to eat a steak. I am going to do many other macho things that I can't think of at the moment, and fail miserably. It's a fact, these movies are great! I don't mean great like "Gone with the Wind" or even "Ernest goes to Camp," I mean great like "Superbad" (I am McLovin!), or "Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li"  (Nash out!).

My point is this, there is a place for these movies in this society. I'm not sure if it's a $72.5 million place, but there is a place none the less. They fill a niche, a void in the world of movies. I think that these movies could very well be the last hope of an industry full of "re-makes" and un-inspired crap that tries to pawn itself off as a new idea. This franchise makes no promises for reality, no illusions of grandeur, no false hopes. Fast and Furious is just that, Fast AND furious.

All hail the ANGRY POTATO!! May he live forever and keep making movies that continue to inspire people like this guy!


09.45p 04.04.2009

Fast & Furious

Marcus Crosswoods UltraScreen Cinema

Forum Link


When a crime brings them back to L.A., fugitive ex-con Dom Toretto reignites his feud with agent Brian O'Conner. But, as they are forced to confront a shared enemy, Dom and Brian must give in to an uncertain new trust if they hope to outmaneuver him. And, from convoy heists to precision tunnel crawls across international lines, two men will find the best way to get revenge: Push the limits of what's possible behind the wheel.

Big Stig's review of "Fast and Furious"

This week's review of "Fast and Furious" is brought to you by Corona®, Sprint® and Lycra®.

Some say he once drilled out his feet to improve his lap times, and at the sound of an ice cream truck he feels compelled to kill Charles De Gaulle. All we know is, he's called Big Stig. He's Stig's portly cousin from the colonies.

Let's pause a moment as I take a slow, luxurious swig from my ice cold bottle of Corona cerveza. Ahhh.

"Fast and Furious" was an epic bit of filmmaking. One for the ages. However, we have a few plot holes to contend with:

First, as the world's only college educated, Jewish, intentionally bald, former truck driver (really)... allow me to make a suggestion. If you want to steal a trucker's payload... just show him your gun and tell him to pull over. Driving backwards on a two lane highway approaching a hill that Lewis Hamilton couldn't negotiate seems overly elaborate and ill-conceived. But then, what do I know? I would have just shot Austin Powers between the eyes and went out for waffles. No sharks with frickin' laser beams here.

Second, you can't suspend a cop in a movie with out having his boss collect piece and shield from the morose SOB. There are rules in Hollywood. You need to respect them.

Third, Vin Diesel has a speaking role. A recipe for trouble.

Four, could we please stop with the foot and car chases with such fast edits that we have no idea what's going on? I'd prefer not to have my Nestle® Bunch-a-Crunch come back up. mmmkaythx.

All in all, this would have been the complete disaster we were expecting... but then, they found the "M" button. They gave us garish cars, monosyllabic dudes with no neck, hot lesbians making out, and big explosions. I'm satisfied.

4 stars.

If you found the above review as vacuous as I think it is... blame RevLinux. This was his idea. That idiot thinks I should be a writer. That'll show him.