09.45p 08.30.2008

Babylon A.D.

Marcus Crosswoods UltraScreen Cinema

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It is the not-too-distant future. Thousands of satellites scan, observe and monitor our every move. Much of the planet is a war zone; the rest, a collection of wretched way stations, teeming megalopolises, and vast wastelands punctuated by areas left radioactive from nuclear meltdowns. It is a world made for hardened warriors, one of whom, a mercenary known only as Toorop, lives by a simple survivor's code: kill or be killed. His latest assignment has him smuggling a young woman named Aurora from a convent in Kazakhstan to New York City. Toorop, his new young charge Aurora and Aurora's guardian Sister Rebeka embark on a 6,000-mile journey that takes them from Eastern Europe, through a refugee camp in "New Russia," across the Bering Straight in a pilfered submarine, then through the frozen tundra of Alaska and Canada, and finally to New York. Facing obstacles at every turn, Toorop, the killer for hire, is tested like never before, in ways he could never have imagined--as he comes to understand that he is the custodian of the only hope for the future of mankind. For the first time in his life, Toorop has to make a choice: to make a difference or walk away and save himself. Too bad it came on the day he died.

Star Wars: Why Me?

I had a really cool write-up all laid out for this, but then I saw the Joe Loves Crappy Movies post, and gave up.

I'm going to go drink now ...



09.45p 08.23.2008

Death Race

Marcus Crosswoods UltraScreen Cinema

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Three-time speedway champion Jensen Ames is an expert at survival in the harsh landscape that has become our country. Just as he thinks he has turned his life around, the ex-con is framed for a gruesome murder he didn't commit. Forced to don the mask of the mythical driver Frankenstein--a crowd favorite who seems impossible to kill--Ames is given an easy choice by Terminal Island's warden: suit up or rot away in a cell. His face hidden by a metallic mask, Ames must survive a gauntlet of the most vicious criminals in the country's toughest prison to claim the prize of freedom. Driving a monster car outfitted with machine guns, flamethrowers and grenade launchers, he will destroy anything in his path to win the most twisted spectator sport on Earth.

RevLinux a.k.a president of the "I HATE BEN STILLER FAN CLUB"

Dear Potential Member:

Thank you for your interest in I.H.B.S.F.C. My name is RevLinux, and I love movies. It is a great hobby, and I'm sure you already know, it is a sacred hobby. I like movies of all kinds. Horror, Sci-Fi, Comedy, Drama, Stoner Movies, and even Foreign Films.

Ben Stiller is to movies like thinking is to religion. I have found better acting in a YouTube video of a 2nd grade play. The man needs to stop right-fracking-now!

But, the worst thing he has ever done, my friend, is to make a good movie! He wrote and directed it even. (I always thought that Ben Stiller was as useful in the writers' room as a centipede with 98 missing legs.) How dare he do such a vile thing. Tropic Thunder was a laugh-riot. I will never forgive him. WE shall never let him live this down. He has made our lives here at I.H.B.S.F.C. a living hell. Our membership has plummeted. Our geek cred is no more.

Following are a list of rules pulled right from the Tropic Thunder section of our charter:

  • Members shall never mention having seen Tropic Thunder.
  • Members shall never talk about the perfect cast that was put together for the Movie Tropic Thunder. Robert Downey Jr. playing an Australian playing a black man is priceless and a forbidden topic. Jack Black's performance as a doped out Eddie Murphy-esqe comedy actor will never grace our message boards.
  • Admitting the brilliance of the writing in Tropic Thunder is expressly forbidden and will get a member banned for life. Not one word is to be spoken about the Jack Black tied to a tree scene. Or the Downey Jr. Jefferson's theme song moment. Or the "I killed the one thing I love the most" "OK, you killed a hooker. Here's what you do ... " bit.
  • Tom Cruise is a minor god among actors, it's OK to mention his performance.
  • Ben Stiller is a Baby Thrower! (no, this isn't some code or euphemism, he literately throws babies)
  • There shall be no quoting the lines "I only know what sound it makes when it takes a man's life" and "mother nature just pi$$ed her pants, dude!" and "I'm a lead farmer, motherf*cker!" or even "I know who I am! I'm the dude playing the dude disguised as another dude!"
  • Never, EVER, go full retard.

As you can see, we take things very seriously here at I.H.B.S.F.C. and I hope to see you at our meetings soon.

Thank you again for your interest!



09.55p 08.15.2008

Tropic Thunder

Marcus Crosswoods UltraScreen Cinema

Forum Link


A group of self-absorbed actors sets out to make the most expensive war film. After ballooning costs force the studio to cancel the movie, the frustrated director refuses to stop shooting, leading his cast into the jungles of Southeast Asia, where they encounter real bad guys.

09.55p 08.16.2008

Star Wars: The Clone Wars

Marcus Crosswoods UltraScreen Cinema

Forum Link


"Star Wars: The Clone Wars" showcases an entirely new look and feel to the galaxy far, far away--combining the expansive scope of the "Star Wars" Saga with state-of-the-art computer-generated animation. On the front lines of an intergalactic struggle between good and evil, fans young and old will join such favorite characters as Anakin Skywalker, Obi-Wan Kenobi and Padmé Amidala, along with brand-new heroes like Anakin's padawan learner, Ahsoka. Sinister villains--led by Palpatine, Count Dooku and General Grievous--are poised to rule the galaxy. Stakes are high, and the fate of the Star Wars universe rests in the hands of the daring Jedi Knights. Their exploits lead to the action-packed battles and astonishing new revelations that fill "Star Wars: The Clone Wars."

how high?

Stoner movies are a staple of my hobby.

The Big Lebowski (1998)
Fast Times At Ridgemont High (1982)
Dazed and Confused (1993)
Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle (2004)
Half Baked (1998)
Up In Smoke (1978)
PCU (1994)

The list goes on.

Now, I'm not big on getting "stoned." I've never tried drugs stronger than anything prescribed to me after getting my wisdom teeth pulled. I don't even drink very often, and anyone that knows me knows my stance on "altered states" in general. So why do I like these movies so much? I can't relate. I have no stories that start with "I was sooo wasted ..." I can't even empathize with the characters. I have nothing to draw a connection to these types of films, but I love them. They entertain me to no end. Maybe it's for just the reasons I mentioned. The only way I'm willing to experience getting wasted is through these movies, "second hand" as-it-were.

So, my brain cells prepared themselves for this movie like a herd of lemmings looking for a suitable cliff. And, boy, were they right!

Pineapple Express is one for the books. I know I may have "let the monkey out of the bottle" as it were, but it was good. The mark of a good stoner movie (in my humble opinion) is me asking the question "do I feel like I just lost brain cells?? If so, how many? And, how did they die? A couple at a time? In droves? Can I even remember how to tie my shoes?"

Seth Rogen and James Franco gave a solid enough performance that a couple of those questions are now answered. Yes, I lost brain cells. Lots of brain cells. They died a horrible, screaming, laugh-induced death the likes of witch would make the Rev. Jim Jones envious.

One thing that was a new addition to the "stoner movie" was Action. It was an interesting twist. The stoner friends had to pull together and overcome adversity greater than "Funk, Gutter, funk! George Clinton, Parliament Funkadelic. Dude, aren't you a music major?" It was a nice touch. It gave the characters a chance for some great sight gags, and non-too-few shots at popular culture action movie staples.

Overall Pineapple Express was a good addition to the stoner movie club.

"Damn, you just got killed by a Daewoo Lanos!"


10.00p 08.09.2008

Pineapple Express

Marcus Crosswoods UltraScreen Cinema

Forum Link


Lazy stoner Dale Denton has only one reason to visit his equally lazy dealer Saul Silver: to purchase weed, specifically, a rare new strain called Pineapple Express. But when Dale becomes the only witness to a murder by a crooked cop and the city's most dangerous drug lord, he panics and dumps his roach of Pineapple Express at the scene. Dale now has another reason to visit Saul: to find out if the weed is so rare that it can be traced back to him. And it is. As Dale and Saul run for their lives, they quickly discover that they're not suffering from weed-fueled paranoia; incredibly, the bad guys really are hot on their trail and trying to figure out the fastest way to kill them both. All aboard the Pineapple Express.

The Mumm-**yawn**

The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor could very well be one of the worst movies ever made. There, I said it and I feel better. If this had been Plan 9 from Outer Space bad, I wouldn't be writing this. There is something to be said for good old-fashioned b-movie campiness. But no, it was direct-to-video bad. It was House of the Dead bad. It was Battlefield Earth: A Saga of the Year 3000 bad. It was, dare I say it, In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale bad.

I know, I know! You're thinking "but Rev, how could that be!" or for our more southern readers "Say it ain't so!" Well, it's true. Now keep in mind the bar was not set too high. It's the mummy for pete's sake! I was in it for some good ol' rip-roarin' fun! But, alas! it was not to be.

I know we are to suspend disbelief for a couple of hours or so when attending our pass time of choice, but dear god do I have to shut down my brain ENTIRELY?!? When Emperor Han (Jet Li) gets turned into terra cotta yard art, he's in a less than flattering pose. We see him later majestically holding the reigns of his chariot team, still terra cotta mind you. I guess they wet him down a little and re-posed him.

But, I digress. The real point of my bringing up Jet Li is to say this: He got a paycheck for what must have been about 9 minutes of screen time at most. The other 103 minutes of the movie he was animated by the same folks that made the California Raisins commercial. OK, so that was a little harsh. At best the "animations" were not up to the standard set by a Wallace & Gromit skit.
Also, he took a page out of Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson's play book and decided to lend his name to the project, but didn't want to actually show up for any shooting after the first motion capture session. Am I the only one that has a problem with a shape-shifting, sword-wielding, two thousand-year old, flower pot with legs?!? The shape-shifting was cool except for one thing: If I wanted to kick Brendan Fraser's ass (and I do after watching this movie), I would just shape-shift into JET-FREAKING-LI!!

There are some fun moments. Really there were, I just can't recall any at the moment. I'm sure they were there. You'll just have to take my word on this.

One not-so-fun moment that sticks out in my memory is the Yeti fight. Let me clarify: A group of Yeti hear the call of Lin (Isabella Leong), the two-thousand year old gaurdian of Emperor Han's tomb (ya'know, just in case someone were to try to raise him from the dead), and fight the Chinese Army at the sacred temple in the Himalayas. One army soldier gets kicked over the archway leading into the sacred grounds, and the director thinks its a good idea to have a Yeti give the "field goal" gesture. How is that a good idea? I think a little piece of my soul died just then.

There is no real way to enjoy this movie. Well, maybe that's not entirely accurate. I can think of one way. You could borrow my Big Scary Bob©. Yup, you read that right. I am willing to lend you my Big Scary Bob©. For a very reasonable fee, my Big Scary Bob© will come to your house and beat you within an inch of your life. You see, only through punch-drunk haze of severe head trauma could you possibly find this movie worth watching.


09.50p 08.02.2008

The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor

Marcus Crosswoods UltraScreen Cinema

Forum Link


Doomed by a double-crossing sorceress to spend eternity in suspended animation, China's ruthless Dragon Emperor and his 10,000 warriors have lain forgotten for eons, entombed in clay as a vast, silent terra cotta army. But when dashing adventurer Alex O'Connell is tricked into awakening the ruler from eternal slumber, the reckless young archaeologist must seek the help of the only people who know more than he does about taking down the undead: his parents. As the monarch roars back to life, his quest for world domination has only intensified over the millennia. Striding the Far East with unimaginable supernatural powers, the Emperor Mummy will rouse his legion as an unstoppable, otherworldly force--unless the O'Connells can stop him first.