i had a big write-up planned for last week's movie. really i did. i got most of the way through it before i trashed it all. instead, i think you will get a better idea about how i felt about Resident Evil: Extinction if i do it this way:
picture if you will: a late nite infomercial
(cheesy music) ... do, DA, da, doo! umbrella corporation, serving the greater good for ... well, forever!
announcer: coming to you LIVE from far below raccoon city, it's great inventions. your weekly source for all things life-changing.
(applause)
Alice #42: welcome to another episode of Great Inventions. tonite our guest is the renowned scientist Dr. Isaacs. glad to have you here doc.
(emerges from behind a red velvet curtain)
Dr. Isaacs: glad to be here, Alice #42.
Alice #42: so, what do you have for us tonite? another breakthrough in your cosmetic line, T-VIRUS?
Dr. Isaacs: (smiling coyly) no.
Alice #42: another great discovery from your genetics lab?
Dr. Isaacs: not quite.
Alice #42: please tell us. the suspense is killing us.
(from the crowd) - "SO ARE THESE INFECTED ZOMBIES!!"
(uproarious laughter)
Dr. Isaacs: ha ha! so they are! well, i can help you with that. how many of you have ever just been minding your own business, walking the dog in the yard, enjoying the new miles and miles of "beaches" and BAM! your dog gets snatched by one of those pesky zombies?
Alice #42: i'm sure most of us. why, that happened to me just last week ...
(chuckles)
Alice #42: ... by my mother-in-law, i'm sure.
(laughter)
Dr. Isaacs: well, she's a mindless zombie now.
Alice #42: not sure that's changed anything!
(laughter and applause)
Alice #42: i think we've waited long enough, Doc. what do you say we see what he brought?!?
(cheering)
Dr. Isaacs: here it is, my invention that will revolutionize the security industry!
(draws back curtain)
Alice #42: that's ... that's a chain-link fence? i'm pretty sure you didn't invent the chain-link fence, Doc.
Dr. Isaacs: ahh, but that's where you're wrong!
Alice #42: you mean it's not a chain-link fence?
Dr. Isaacs: no, it is. but i DID invent it! also, i invented the internet and PANTS!
Alice #42: um ...
Dr. Isaacs: (to Alice #42) i do have something to admit, i actually didn't invent pants
(boo's from crowd)
Dr. Isaacs: but, i did invent POCKETS!
(ooh's and ahh's)
Alice #42: tell us more!
Dr. Isaacs: well, with this new invention coupled with my other invention; the square, you can set up a perimeter that will keep out dozens, no MILLIONS, of zombies!
Alice #42: wow!
Dr. Isaacs: and that's not all! order now, and i'll trow in a GATE!
Alice #42: a gate?! that's just wonderful! you've thought of everything Doc!
Dr. Isaacs: and how much would you pay for such a quality product?
crowd: $500!! $1000!! $1200!!
Dr. Isaacs: (chuckles) close! but no. i am offering this to you at a one-time-only TV price. 36 easy payments of $299.95 plus $35 S+H!
Alice #42: (to crowd) isn't he great folks!!
(cheering)
Dr. Isaacs: but wait! there's more!
Alice #42: more?!?
Dr. Isaacs: order in the next 20 minutes, and i'll throw in a free, yes FREE, "no trespassing" sign!
(applause)
announcer: Dr. Isaacs' chain-link fence, from umbrella corporation, the best around! not like bob's I-beam company, they're just selling crap.
Dr. Isaacs: bite me bob!
(fade out to a standing ovation)
post-apcolyptic inventions
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Bah! I've given up I-beams and moved into human cloning! Apparently, you can clone someone with a blood sample, and get it perfect right down to age, scars, and memory. I've also thought about making tacky Umbrella Corp rings for CEO's to wear. Nothing screams "Badass Corporate Terminator" like a monotone and a cheesy plastic ring in the approximate shape of your company's logo.
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