10.50p 07.28.2007

The Simpsons Movie

Rave Motion Pictures Polaris 18 (click for online ticket purchase)


Homer Simpson must save the world from a catastrophe he himself created. It all begins with Homer, his new pet pig, and a leaky silo full of droppings--a combination that triggers a disaster the likes of which Springfield has never experienced. As Marge is outraged by Homer's monumental blunder, a vengeful mob descends on the Simpson household. The family makes a narrow escape, but is soon divided by both location and conflict. The Springfield citizenry has every reason to be out for Simpson blood. The calamity triggered by Homer has drawn the attention of U.S. President Arnold Schwarzenegger and Environmental Protection Agency head Russ Cargill. "You know sir," Cargill tells the president, "when you made me head of the EPA, you were applauded for appointing one of the most successful men in America to the least successful agency in government. And why did I take the job? Because I'm a rich man who wanted to give something back. Not the money, but something." That "something" is a devil's plan to contain the disaster. As the fates of Springfield and the world hang in the balance, Homer embarks on a personal odyssey of redemption--seeking forgiveness from Marge, the reunion of his splintered family, and the salvation of his hometown.

die hardester - *NEW* with teh intarwebs

so, where do i start? no, really. I have a dilemma. do i open with "yippie kai yay?" or do i save that for the end? i'm torn. i really wanted to start this off with some kind of punch. but is "yippee ki yay?" just TOO cool? is there even such a thing as being too cool?

i believe that there is.

for example police constable nicholas angel. now THERE'S a cool guy. so cool that he was asked to transfer because he made all the other constables look like crap. he's just better. i mean please, 400% better!?! so much better that they made him a seargant in a sleepy little country town. nothing ever happens in this town.

now, i told you that, so i can tell you this:

john mclane makes nicholas angel look like a british school-girl! that's right constable, er ... seargant angel, you are a wuss! sorry, but facts are facts. let's run this down:

angel - stabbed in the hand. - "the single most painful experience of my life"

mclane - shot. 6,154 times. - "ouch"

mclane - kills hot terrorist chick - "mai? asian chick, likes to kick people? yeah, last time i saw her she was at the bottom of an elevator shaft with an suv rammed up her ass."

angel - after watching mclane in die hard - "well, i wouldn't argue that it wasn't a no holds barred, adrenaline fueled thrill ride. but, there is no way you can perpetrate that amount of carnage and mayhem and not incur a considerable amount of paperwork."

angel - shortcut through the gardens - "what, you've never taken a shortcut before?"

mclane - driving an eighteen-wheeler through (yes through!) a concrete column. all the while getting shot up by a man in a fighter plane. - "is that the best you got?!"

angel - the most important piece of equipment to own. - "this notebook has saved my skin more times than i care to mention!"

mclane - blowing up a helicopter with a car - "i was out of bullets"

john mclane, you are the man

yippie kai yay, john.



09.45p 07.21.2007

You Kill Me

Rave Motion Pictures Polaris 18 (click for online ticket purchase)


Frank Falenczyk loves his job. He just happens to be the hit-man for his Polish mob family in Buffalo, New York. But Frank's got a drinking problem, and when he messes up a critical assignment that puts the family business in peril, his uncle sends him to San Francisco to clean up his act. Frank is not a touchy-feely kind of guy; but he starts going to AA meetings, gets a sponsor and a job at a mortuary where he falls for the tart-tongued Laurel, a woman who is dangerously devoid of boundaries. Meanwhile, things aren't going well in Buffalo where an upstart Irish gang is threatening the family business. When violence erupts, Frank is forced to return home and with an unlikely assist from Laurel, faces old rivals on new terms.

from the depths of the intarweb

(how could they know?)

yeah here we go for the hundredth time
hand grenade pins in every line

throw 'em up and let something shine
going out of my fu*king mind

filthy mouth, no excuse
find a new place to hang this noose

string me up from atop these roofs
knot it tight so i won't get loose

truth is you can stop and stare
run myself out and no one cares

dug the trench out laid down there
With a shovel up out of reach somewhere

mama help me i've been cursed
death is rolling in every verse

candy paint on his brand new hearse
can't contain him he knows he works

fu*k this hurts i won't lie
doesn't matter how hard i try

half the words don't mean a thing
and i know that i wont be satisfied

so why try ignoring him


11.15p 07.14.2007

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

Rave Motion Pictures Polaris 18 (click for online ticket purchase)


As his fifth year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry approaches, 15-year-old Harry Potter is in full-blown adolescence, complete with regular outbursts of rage, a nearly debilitating crush, and the blooming of a powerful sense of rebellion. It's been yet another infuriating and boring summer with the despicable Dursleys, this time with minimal contact from our hero's non-Muggle friends from school. Harry is feeling especially edgy at the lack of news from the magic world, wondering when the freshly revived evil Lord Voldemort will strike. Returning to Hogwarts will be a relief--or will it?

da'moose on Transformers

Transformers... What to say.

Overall, not a bad movie. As would be expected from a Michael Bay movie, the action sequences are fast and in-your-face 110% of the time. Except, this time, it's with giant, bullet-time flipping robots. Hell yeah! The eye candy was quite pleasant as well, with Megan Fox being the definite bombshell this round.... *rawr*. Plus, they got a couple things right for us old-timers, such as using the original voice for Optimus, and incorporating the old shape shifting sound from the cartoon. I was also highly amused by the shot they got in on the current administration. World falling down around you, attacks on your bases in the middle east, unknown very hostile enemy... "Could you rustle me up some ding dongs?" LOL.

However. Everything is not well in CGI land. Perhaps it was merely a modernization of a cliche, but giant alien robots learning our language from the internet (as opposed to TV signals, or radio signals before that) was kind of lame. Hearing Optimus using colloquialisms like "my bad" just didn't sit right either, coming from the very proper leader of the Autobots.

The worst part, though, was the blatant and near-repugnant GM "re-branding" of the Autobots was pathetic as well. I mean c'mon. Can you say "sell-out"? I knew you could. The movie did try to pay homage to Bumblebee's more humble beginnings, but it doesn't cover the truth. This advertisement scheme went WAAAAAAAAAAAY beyond having a can of pepsi or bag of doritos in the background. The movie should have been titled "Transformers - now brought to you, humbly and quietly, by GEEEEEEENERRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAALLLLL MOOOOOOOOOOTOOOOOOOOOOOORS!!!!!". Perhaps they could have gotten Michael Buffner to do the entrance theme. WTF?! The Decepticons weren't much better. Wasn't Starscream a F15? When did he get "upgraded" to a F22 Raptor? When did Devastator become a tank, and not the huge amalgam of the constructacons? When the hell did Megatron become some wacked out jet, and not the gun? (Note: I understand the reasoning of this as posed by other movie blogs, but it's still fsck'ing lame)

I know, you can't ask much from hollywood these days, but damn.


11.00p 07.07.2007


Rave Motion Pictures Polaris 18 (click for online ticket purchase)


The Earth is caught in the middle of an intergalactic war between two races of robots, the heroic Autobots and the evil Decepticons, which are able to change into a variety of objects, including cars, trucks, planes and other technological creations.


10.50p 06.30.2007

Live Free or Die Hard

Rave Motion Pictures Polaris 18 (click for online ticket purchase)


On the July 4th holiday, an attack on the vulnerable United States infrastructure begins to shut down the entire nation. The mysterious figure behind the scheme has figured out every modern angle--but he never figured on an old-analog fly, John McClane, in the digital ointment. It's the beginning of the holiday, but New York City Detective McClane isn't celebrating. He's had yet another argument with his college-age daughter Lucy, and received a crushingly routine assignment to bring in a young hacker, Matt Farrell, for questioning by the FBI. But for McClane, the ordinary has a habit of exploding into the extraordinary--abruptly hurtling him into the wrong place at the wrong time. With Farrell's help, McClane slowly begins to understand the increasing chaos surrounding him. An attack is underway on the vulnerable United States infrastructure, shutting down the entire nation. The mysterious figure behind the scheme, Thomas Gabriel, stays several moves ahead of McClane as he implements his incredible plans, known to uber-geeks like Farrell as a "fire sale" (as in, everything must go!).