Wanted - 7 haiku version

my boss is a b*tch.
my work is always worthless.
girlfriend f*cks best friend.

this is me. i suck.
until i became wanted
i never knew life.

"i'm the repairman."
what is it that you repair?
"lifetime of mistakes."

angelina's ass.
dripping water. tattooed flesh.
this isn't heaven?

"don't believe the code
you shoot that motherf*cker!
or shoot yourself now"

one curving bullet.
seven empty heads later,
only me alone.

it's not me working.
it's not me saving the world.
only a decoy.


09.55p 06.28.2008


Marcus Crosswoods UltraScreen Cinema

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"Wanted" tells the tale of one apathetic nobody's transformation into an unparalleled enforcer of justice. Twenty-five-year-old Wes is the most disaffected, cube-dwelling drone the planet had ever known. His boss chews him out hourly, his girlfriend ignores him routinely and his life plods on interminably. Everyone is certain this disengaged slacker will amount to nothing. There is little else for Wes to do but wile away the days and die in his slow, clock-punching rut. Until he meets a woman named Fox. After his estranged father is murdered, the deadly sexy Fox recruits Wes into the Fraternity, a secret society that trains Wes to avenge his dad's death by unlocking his dormant powers. As she teaches him how to develop lightning-quick reflexes and phenomenal agility, Wes discovers this team lives by an ancient, unbreakable code: carry out the death orders given by fate itself. With wickedly brilliant tutors-including the Fraternity's enigmatic leader, Sloan-Wes grows to enjoy all the strength he ever wanted. But, slowly, he begins to realize there is more to his dangerous associates than meets the eye. And as he wavers between newfound heroism and vengeance, Wes will comes to learn what no one could ever teach him: he alone controls his destiny.

Hellfire and Damnation - Missed it by that much

by ./revlinux and da'Moose

Bless me father, for I have sinned. It has been ... well, I've never actually been to confession.

In nomine Patris et filli et Spiritus Sancti... what have you done my child?

I went to "Get Smart" this weekend.

The lord does not frown on a simple pleasure such as that... what else has brought you here?

Well, Father I'm not sure how to say this ...

It is alright, my child... all will be right in his house.

But, Father, I ENJOYED it! I actually laughed.


I'm going to hell, aren't I?

But... the gospel of Roper has decreed that this movie's name be struck from all history! This is a serious infraction after all, my son.

I knew it! That "overfull barf-bag" bit just wasn't funny, nor the "did you see anything while i was dancing? A little, but you weren't expecting him to lift you so high" or even the ass-ripped-out-of-his-pants and taking-a-bow gag, but I laughed anyway! What's wrong with me?!

You came to the right place. Nothing is wrong with you child, so long as you repent to the lord and ask for his forgiveness. Luckily, his avatar on earth has made movies to watch for just such an occasion.

Oh, Father, I'll do any penance to correct this egregious mistake!

Go home and do nothing until you watch "Star Wars: The Phantom Menace" five times without skipping the Jar Jar scenes ... Watch "The Piano" extended edition four times, and the extended director's release of "Titanic" twice, WITHOUT cheering for the iceberg by the end. Do this, and you will be atoned, in the name of the father, son, and holy spirit, amen.

As you wish, Father ...

Go with god, my son.

... Father, one last thing ... could i still give a "w00t!" when Leo DiCaprio dies?

Yes, but quietly to yourself ... no one can fault you for that.


10.10p 06.21.2008

Get Smart

Marcus Crosswoods UltraScreen Cinema

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Maxwell Smart is on a mission to thwart the latest plot for world domination by the evil crime syndicate known as KAOS. When the headquarters of U.S. spy agency Control is attacked and the identities of its agents compromised, the Chief has no choice but to promote his ever-eager analyst Maxwell Smart, who has always dreamt of working in the field alongside stalwart superstar Agent 23. Smart is partnered instead with the lovely-but-lethal veteran Agent 99. Given little field experience and even less time, Smart-armed with nothing but a few spy-tech gadgets and his unbridled enthusiasm-must thwart the doomsday plans of KAOS head Siegfried.

What "Happened" was I lost $8 and 2 hours...

So, the first night of this week's dual movie extravaganza was "The Happening". Have you ever been confronted by something so terrible you were at a loss to describe it? This movie was worse than Strangers. This movie was worse than Revlinux's eulogy of same.

***Spoiler alert ***

Basically, there's some toxin in the air that makes people kill themselves. And it's being created by plants when there's more than a few humans around. No, I'm not making this up. So basically, the wind picks up and people lay down in traffic. But the dumb story is just the beginning! It's coupled by poor acting and really stupid dialogue! When Marky Mark called himself a douchebag, one of the douchebags in the theatre yelled "I'm done" and promptly left the theatre. So, congrats M. Night Shymalin (Shamu? Shyster? Screw it... you can't write, no reason I should), you've actually fallen beneath the bar set by a high school student in flip flops. He looked like the type of idiot who goes to Keanu Reeves movies and cheers when he says "Whoa!" Anyway, save your money. Or go see a good movie. The Incredible Hulk was quite good. Kung Fu Panda also kicked major ass, and awesomeness is free of charge!


At the request of our fans, we're going to do a special this week. Friday night AND Saturday will be on the schedule.

9.55p 06.13.08 2008

The Happening

Marcus Crosswoods UltraScreen Cinema (click for purchase)

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From director M. Night Shyamalan ("The Sixth Sense," "Signs") comes a lightning-paced, heart-pounding paranoid thriller about a family on the run from an inexplicable and unstoppable event that threatens not only humankind... but the most basic human instinct of them all: survival.

It begins with no clear warning. It seems to come out of nowhere. In a matter of minutes, episodes of strange, chilling deaths that defy reason and boggle the mind in their shocking destructiveness, erupt in major American cities. What is causing this sudden, total breakdown of human behavior? Is it some kind of new terrorist attack, an experiment gone wrong, a diabolical toxic weapon, an out-of-control virus? Is it being transmitted by air, by water... how?

For Philadelphia high school science teacher Elliot Moore (Wahlberg) what matters most is finding a way to escape the mysterious and deadly phenomenon. Though he and his wife Alma (Deschanel) are in the midst of a marital crisis, they hit the road, first by train, then by car, with Elliot's math teacher friend Julian (Leguizamo) and his 8 year-old daughter Jess ( Sanchez), heading for the Pennsylvania farmlands where they hope they'll be out of reach of the grisly, ever-growing attacks. Yet it soon becomes clear that no one - and nowhere - is safe. This terrifying, invisible killer cannot be outrun. It is only when Elliot begins to discover the true nature of what is lurking out there - and just what has unleashed this force that threatens the future of humanity -- that he discovers a sliver of hope that his fragile family might be able to escape what is happening.

10.05p 06.14.2008

The Incredible Hulk

Marcus Crosswoods UltraScreen Cinema (click for purchase)

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"The Incredible Hulk" kicks off an all-new, explosive and action-packed epic of one of the most popular Super Heroes of all time. In this new beginning, scientist Bruce Banner desperately hunts for a cure to the gamma radiation that poisoned his cells and unleashes the unbridled force of rage within him: The Hulk. Living in the shadows--cut off from a life he knew and the woman he loves, Betty Ross--Banner struggles to avoid the obsessive pursuit of his nemesis, General Thunderbolt Ross, and the military machinery that seeks to capture him and brutally exploit his power. As all three grapple with the secrets that led to The Hulk's creation, they are confronted with a monstrous new adversary known as The Abomination, whose destructive strength exceeds even The Hulk's own. And on June 13, one scientist must make an agonizing final choice: accept a peaceful life as Bruce Banner or find heroism in the creature he holds inside--The Incredible Hulk?

Eulogy for "The Strangers" May 30, 2008 - May 31, 2008

To tell you the truth I had a hard time putting all of The Strangers’ good traits into writing. No matter how hard I try, I can never do justice to what she overcame in her lifetime. I know we are all grieving today for we all lost a terrible movie. But I know wherever she is now she’s happy and contented with what crap she left us.

She was a bore, a waste of time and a burden to all of us. I’m sure each and every one of you here today has something to share on how The Strangers touched your life. She shared a lot of ghastly memories, especially with me, her favorite patron. We shared lots of things together and she was one of my least favorite movies. I don’t know if I can still be the same person I was now that she’s gone. I can remember the last activity we did together, ironically enough; we went out to watch a movie. As some of you already know The Strangers really loved to butcher classic love stories. Although we never agreed on what to watch, I always dreaded our times together. She’d always ask odd questions about the actors or about the story. And I’d just look at her and she’d keep on asking until she got the answer she wanted.

The Strangers was a very strong film and she always got her way. I personally would never seek her advice before I’d go to my parents. We always had short talks. Even if I didn’t finish what I wanted to ask her she already had an answer for it. She was also the kind of flick that would rarely ever think about other people before herself. She never liked asking for help but she was always ready to perpetuate the stereotypes of bad horror movies. She would do everything in her power to make a buck.

Although she never got the chance, I think in her own way she was able to show us how unimportant we all were to her. We may no longer see her but we’ll always have these special moments we shared with her. Let’s just be thankful that we knew a "special" movie like The Strangers.


9.45p 06.07.2008

Kung Fu Panda

Marcus Crosswoods UltraScreen Cinema

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Enthusiastic, big and a little clumsy, Po is the biggest fan of Kung Fu around--which doesn't exactly come in handy while working every day in his family's noodle shop. Unexpectedly chosen to fulfill an ancient prophecy, Po's dreams become reality when he joins the world of Kung Fu and studies alongside his idols, the legendary Furious Five--Tigress, Crane, Mantis, Viper and Monkey--under the leadership of their guru, Master Shifu. But before they know it, the vengeful and treacherous snow leopard Tai Lung is headed their way, and it's up to Po to defend everyone from the oncoming threat. Can he turn his dreams of becoming a Kung Fu master into reality? Po puts his heart--and his girth--into the task, and the unlikely hero ultimately finds that his greatest weaknesses turn out to be his greatest strengths.


10.00p 05.31.2008

The Strangers

Marcus Crosswoods UltraScreen Cinema

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The horrifying events that took place in the Hoyt family's vacation home at 1801 Clark Road on February 11, 2005, are still not entirely known. Champagne. Rose Petals. Candlelight. It was supposed to be a night of celebration for Kristen McKay and James Hoyt. But after leaving a friend's wedding reception and returning to the house, everything had collapsed for the happy couple. Then came a 4 a.m. knock on the door and a haunting voice. Is Tamara here?