09.50p 12.20.2008

Yes Man

Marcus Crosswoods UltraScreen Cinema

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Carl Allen's life is going nowhere--the operative word being "no"--until he signs up for a self-help program based on one simple covenant: say yes to everything--and anything. Unleashing the power of "YES" begins to transform Carl's life in amazing and unexpected ways, getting him promoted at work and opening the door to a new romance. But, his willingness to embrace every opportunity might just become too much of a good thing.


09.45p 12.13.2008

The Day the Earth Stood Still

Marcus Crosswoods UltraScreen Cinema

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In this contemporary reinvention of the 1951 science fiction classic, renowned scientist Dr. Helen Benson finds herself face to face with an alien called Klaatu, who travels across the universe to warn of an impending global crisis. When forces beyond Helen's control treat the extraterrestrial as a hostile and deny his request to address the world's leaders, she and her estranged stepson Jacob quickly discover the deadly ramifications of Klaatu's claim that he is "a friend to the Earth." Now Helen must find a way to convince the entity who was sent to destroy us that mankind is worth saving--but it may be too late. The process has begun.


09.50p 12.06.2008

Punisher: War Zone

Marcus Crosswoods UltraScreen Cinema

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Waging his one-man war on the world of organized crime, ruthless vigilante-hero Frank Castle sets his sights on overeager mob boss Billy Russoti. After Russoti is left horribly disfigured by Castle, he sets out for vengeance under his new alias--Jigsaw. With the "Punisher Task Force" hot on his trail and the FBI unable to take Jigsaw in, Frank must stand up to the formidable army that Jigsaw has recruited before more of his evil deeds go unpunished.

Transport me to Twilight

Whenever I am faced with a truly puzzling mystery regarding my movie-going hobby, I just boil it down to it's simplest points and see what comes out. I've done that with Twilight and Transporter 3. Here's what I have come up with:

12-year-old girls must have all the money!!

Really, they must secretly rule the world. Oil tzars? No. Italian mobsters? No. Illuminati? Only if they are a secret society of tweens. That's the only way I can explain how Twilight and Transporter 3 ever made it to the theater.

Both movies were so full of dialogue that was so sappy, you'd think the script was an 8th grade lit class project at an all girls school.

So, instead of ranting any farther, I am going to boil this down to the simplest points: a TOP TEN list of things that are better uses of your time (and more enjoyable) than going to see either of these movies.

10. root canal

09. ancient chineese water tourture

08. Rosie O'Donnell porn

07. wart removal

06. getting kicked in the shins

05. watching another Uwe Boll movie

04. septic tank repair

03. hot poker in the eye

02. re-runs of KKK rallies on the Jerry Springer show

01. being on fire

One good thing came out of watching suffering through these movies. Finally after all these years I have something to tell all those people that are currently on fire to help cheer them up: "It could be worse, you could be watching Transporter 3 or Twilight!"


09.45p 11.29.2008

Transporter 3

Marcus Crosswoods UltraScreen Cinema

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Frank Martin has been pressured into transporting Valentina, the kidnapped daughter of Leonid Vasilev, the head of the Environmental Protection Agency for the Ukraine, from Marseilles through Stuttgart and Budapest until he ends up in Odessa on the Black Sea. Along the way, with the help of Inspector Tarconi, Frank has to contend with the people who strong armed him to take the job, agents sent by Vasilev to intercept him, and the general non-cooperation of his passenger. Despite Valentina's cynical disposition and his resistance to get involved, Frank and Valentina fall for each other, while escaping from one life-threatening situation after another.


10.15p 11.22.2008


Marcus Crosswoods UltraScreen Cinema

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"Twilight" is an action-packed, modern-day love story between a teenage girl and a vampire. Bella Swan has always been a little bit different, never caring about fitting in with the trendy girls at her Phoenix high school. When her mother re-marries and sends Bella to live with her father in the rainy little town of Forks, Wash., she doesn't expect much of anything to change. Then she meets the mysterious and dazzlingly beautiful Edward Cullen, a boy unlike any she's ever met. Edward is a vampire, but he doesn't have fangs and his family is unique in that they choose not to drink human blood. Intelligent and witty, Edward sees straight into Bella's soul. Soon, they are swept up in a passionate, thrilling and unorthodox romance. To Edward, Bella is what he has waited 90 years for--a soul mate. But the closer they get, the more Edward must struggle to resist the primal pull of her scent, which could send him into an uncontrollable frenzy. But what will Edward and Bella do when a clan of new vampires--James, Laurent and Victoria--come to town and threaten to disrupt their way of life?


0.930p 11.15.2008

Quantum of Solace

Marcus Crosswoods UltraScreen Cinema

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Betrayed by Vesper, the woman he loved, 007 is determined to uncover the truth. He and M interrogate Mr. White who reveals the organization which blackmailed Vesper is far more complex and dangerous than anyone had imagined. Forensic intelligence links an MI6 traitor to a bank account in Haiti where Bond encounters the beautiful but feisty Camille, and she leads him to Dominic Greene, a ruthless business man and major force within the mysterious organization. On a mission that leads him to Austria, Italy and South America, Bond discovers that Greene, conspiring to take total control of one of the world's most important natural resources, is forging a deal with the exiled General Medrano. Using his associates in the organization, and manipulating his powerful contacts within the CIA and the British government, Greene promises to overthrow the existing regime in a Latin American country, giving the General control of the country in exchange for a seemingly barren piece of land. As Bond gets closer to finding the man responsible for betraying Vesper, he must keep one step ahead of the CIA, the terrorists and even M, to unravel Greene's sinister plan and stop his organization.


09.55p 11.08.2008

Role Models

Marcus Crosswoods UltraScreen Cinema

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Danny and Wheeler trash a company truck on an energy drink-fueled bender. Upon their arrest, the court gives them a choice: do hard time or spend 150 service hours with a mentorship program. After one day with the kids, however, jail doesn't look half bad. Surrounded by annoying do-gooders, Danny struggles with his every neurotic impulse to guide Augie through the trials of becoming a man. Unfortunately, the guy just dumped by his girlfriend has only sarcasm to offer a bashful 16-year-old obsessed with medieval role play. Meanwhile, charming Wheeler tries to trade in an addiction to partying and women to assist a fifth-grader named Ronnie redirect his foul-mouthed ways. It would probably help if Ronnie's new mentor wasn't an overgrown adolescent whose idea of quality time includes keggers in Venice Beach. Once the center's ex-con director gives them an ultimatum, Danny and Wheeler are forced to tailor their brand of immature wisdom to their charges. And if they can just make it through probation without getting thrown in jail, the world's worst role models will prove that, sometimes, it takes a village idiot to raise a child.


09.50p 11.01.2008

Zack and Miri Make a Porno

Marcus Crosswoods UltraScreen Cinema

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Lifelong friends and roommates Zack and Miri are facing hard times and a mountain of debt. When the electricity and plumbing get cut off, they seize upon the idea of making a homegrown porno movie for some quick cash, enlisting the help of their friends. The two vow that having sex will not ruin their friendship. But, as filming begins, what started out as a business proposition between friends turns into something much more.

aliens are real

This is where I would normally write about the movie I saw this past weekend, but something happened to me that trumps anything that I could say about the movie:


Let me explain. I went to lunch today with a couple of friends from work, we'll call them Suzi and Steve.

So, Suzi, Steve and I went to get a bite to eat at a local buffet. So far, so good. We get our food and sit down. Pretty normal lunch conversation. Bitching about work, bitching about government, bitching about people that bitch about work and government. The usual.

Now, before I go any further, I need to explain something. In order for my theory to work, you must believe as I do (or just humor me for the sake of this writing). I firmly believe (after today) that aliens exist, and that all of the vast knowledge they have about us came from one source: re-runs of the Jerry Springer Show.

While we were eating, another patron walked in. I glance up and notice he has a pretty standard short hair-cut that one would find on any of a million blue-collar types. A simple short-cropped bowl-cut-esque style, and a prolific mustache straight out of a bad '70s porno, but there was one other thing: it's a mullet of epic proportions! I don't notice right away because it is braided and draped over his shoulder. It reached his waist easily! That is one HELL of a mullet! I am in shock.

I say to Steve, "man, I can't help it, but that guy just screams 'stereotype!' I wouldn't be surprised to see him in some dive bar, beer in hand, dip in mouth, flannel shirt unbuttoned 3 or 4 buttons, asking every chick he sees 'hey hot stuff, want a free mustache ride?!'"

At this point Steve looks over my left shoulder, glances at Mr. Mullet, and nods to me, somehow stifling a laugh. I say "no way! please tell me I'm wrong!" Steve replies with "Nope, you nailed it. Flannel. 3 buttons open. Dip."

Suzi has been following our exchange this whole time, but has managed to keep her laughing to a minimum. But, alas, that wasn't to last.

In walks another hungry group. A pretty little blond-haired, blue-eyed girl, maybe 16, 17 tops. In tow is a toddler. Also with them is the girl's mother. Now we have 3 generations, and I swear not a 30-year old among them. I'm sure you can see where this is going. I notice little details: the too small t-shirt on the teenager that was airbrushed at the mall. The "tramp-stamp" tattoo peeking out from under said t-shirt above bluejeans cut so low it would make an exotic dancer blush. Another tattoo on her neck in gangland script letting all the world know just who the "baby-daddy" is.

I decide to point all of this out to Suzi. I try to be subtle. "Suzi, I'm going to bring my son here on my next day off. 'Look, son, that over there is white trash.' It'll be educational." Suzi promptly chokes on her drink. (timing is everything!)

Now, just when I thought things were going to settle down, in walk the "frat-boys." They had it down to a T. They were meat head types, wearing t-shirts and shorts (in 30 degree weather, mind you) showing off bulging muscles complete with kanji tattoos on the inside of the biceps. Again, the little details stand out. At first glance I think it's a Hard Rock Cafe t-shirt from some impossibly exotic locale. Upon closer inspection it is revealed to me to be a Hard On Cafe t-shirt advertising a "gentleman's club" in southern Florida. Steve takes it all in stride, "I've seen worse. Hell, I think I've worn worse to family functions! I've got this one, on it is a squirrel with elephantitis ..." He never gets to finish. Suzi just can't seem to catch a break, and just about chokes on her latest bite of chicken. (Again, timing.)

At this point the meal is over. No more food could be consumed. We are laughing too hard. And a good thing too. In walks the most obese person I have ever seen still walking under her own power. She was one jelly donut away from being a lifetime patron of Bob's Angioplasty Palace. Suzi has just about recovered from her near-death experience, when I turn to her and say "Well, it's a good thing we're done eating. We'll never be able to compete with that." This time it's Steve who almost buys the farm with an egg roll lodged in his throat.

Let me pause here to tell you this: I know that if I share this next part, I will be going straight to Hell. No passing GO, no collecting $200. Hell. A very special Hell. Now that I've cleared that up, and not been struck dead thus far, I'll continue.

Bob's Angioplasty Palace patron is NOT alone. You see, I've taken my eyes off that group just long enough to ascertain if Steve needs a careful application of the Heimlich Maneuver, and when I look back, what I see makes me gasp out loud. All joking aside, I think I peed a little. "Suzi, you know how they say that there's no such thing as an ugly baby? Well ..." Suzi turned around and ALMOST managed to choke back the scream escaping her lips. It was horrific. This is NOT a baby. This is an 80-year-old woman shrunken down to infant size and placed in a high-chair. This is the kind of thing that Barnum and Bailey would have killed for.

At this point everyone in the restaurant is looking at us. We just can't stop laughing. A hasty getaway is a must. We throw down some cash, grab our coats, and get out as fast as we can.

Proof positive aliens are real, and are performing social experiments on us. They just want to know how 3 relatively normal people would react to a roomful of Jerry Springer Show stereotypes. I hope we gave them some good data.


09.45p 10.25.2008


Marcus Crosswoods UltraScreen Cinema

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Whether you love him or hate him, there is no question that George W. Bush is one of the most controversial public figures in recent memory. In an unprecedented undertaking, acclaimed director Oliver Stone is bringing the life of our 43rd president to the big screen as only he can. W takes viewers through Bush's eventful life--his struggles and triumphs, how he found both his wife and his faith, and of course the critical days leading up to Bush's decision to invade Iraq.


09.35p 10.18.2008

Max Payne

Marcus Crosswoods UltraScreen Cinema

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Max Payne is a maverick cop - a mythic anti-hero - determined to track down those responsible for the brutal murders of his family and partner. Hell-bent on revenge, his obsessive investigation takes him on a nightmare journey into a dark underworld. As the mystery deepens, Max is forced to battle enemies beyond the natural world and face an unthinkable betrayal.


09.30p 10.11.2008

Body of Lies

Marcus Crosswoods UltraScreen Cinema

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"Body of Lies" is based on "Washington Post" columnist David Ignatius' 2007 novel about a CIA operative, Roger Ferris, who uncovers a lead on a major terrorist leader suspected to be operating out of Jordan. When Ferris devises a plan to infiltrate his network, he must first win the backing of cunning CIA veteran Ed Hoffman and the collegial, but perhaps suspect, head of Jordanian intelligence. Although ostensibly his allies, Ferris questions how far he can really trust these men without putting his entire operation--and his life--on the line.


09.50p 10.04.2008

How to Lose Friends & Alienate People

Marcus Crosswoods UltraScreen Cinema

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Sidney Young is a disillusioned intellectual who both adores and despises the world of celebrity, fame and glamour. His alternative magazine, Post Modern Review, pokes fun at the media obsessed stars and bucks trends, and so when Young is offered a job at the diametrically opposed conservative New York based Sharps magazine its something of a shock! It seems Sharps editor Clayton Harding is amused by Young's disruption of a post-BAFTA party with a pig posing as Babe. Thus begins Sidney's descent into success - his gradual move from derided outsider to confidante of starlet Sophie Maes - and a love affair with colleague Alison Olsen, that will either make him or break him.


09.50p 09.27.2008

Eagle Eye

Marcus Crosswoods UltraScreen Cinema

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Jerry Shaw and Rachel Holloman are two strangers thrown together by a mysterious phone call from a woman they have never met. Threatening their lives and family, she pushes Jerry and Rachel into a series of increasingly dangerous situations--using the technology of everyday life to track and control their every move. As the situation escalates, these two ordinary people become the country's most wanted fugitives, who must work together to discover what is really happening--and more importantly, why.


09.45p 09.20.2008

Righteous Kill

Marcus Crosswoods UltraScreen Cinema

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After 30 years as partners in the pressure cooker environment of the NYPD, highly decorated detectives David Fisk and Thomas Cowan should be ready for retirement, but aren't. Before they can hang up their badges, they are called in to investigate the murder of a notorious pimp, which appears to have ties to a case they solved years before. Like the original murder, the victim is a suspected criminal whose body is found accompanied by a four line poem justifying the killing. When additional crimes take place, it becomes clear the detectives are looking for a serial killer, one who targets criminals that have fallen through the cracks of the judicial system. His mission is to do what the cops can't do on their own-take the culprits off the streets for good. The similarities between the recent killings and their earlier case raise a nagging question: Did they put the wrong man behind bars?


09.30p 09.13.2008

Burn After Reading

Marcus Crosswoods UltraScreen Cinema

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At the headquarters of the Central Intelligence Agency in Arlington, Va., analyst Osborne Cox arrives for a top-secret meeting. Unfortunately for Cox, the secret is soon out: he is being ousted. Cox does not take the news particularly well and returns to his Georgetown home to work on his memoirs and his drinking, not necessarily in that order. His wife Katie is dismayed, though not particularly surprised; she is already well into an illicit affair with Harry Pfarrer, a married federal marshal, and sets about making plans to leave Cox for Harry. Elsewhere in the Washington, D.C., suburbs, and seemingly worlds apart, Hardbodies Fitness Centers employee Linda Litzke can barely concentrate on her work. She is consumed with her life plan for extensive cosmetic surgery, and confides her mission to can-do colleague Chad Feldheimer. Linda is all but oblivious to the fact that the gym's manager Ted Treffon pines for her even as she arranges dates via the Internet with other men. When a computer disc containing material for the CIA analyst's memoirs accidentally falls into the hands of Linda and Chad, the duo are intent on exploiting their find. As Ted frets, "No good can come of this," events spiral out of everyone's and anyone's control, in a cascading series of darkly hilarious encounters.


09.45p 09.06.2008

Bangkok Dangerous

Marcus Crosswoods UltraScreen Cinema

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The life of an anonymous assassin takes an unexpected turn when he travels to Thailand to complete a series of contract killings. Joe a remorseless hitman, is in Bangkok to execute four enemies of a ruthless crime boss named Surat. He hires Kong, a street punk and pickpocket, to run errands for him with the intention of covering his tracks by killing him at the end of the assignment. Strangely, Joe, the ultimate lone wolf, instead finds himself mentoring the young man while simultaneously being drawn into a tentative romance with a local shop girl. As he falls further under the sway of Bangkok's intoxicating beauty, Joe begins to question his isolated existence and let down his guard …just as Surat decides it's time to clean house.


09.45p 08.30.2008

Babylon A.D.

Marcus Crosswoods UltraScreen Cinema

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It is the not-too-distant future. Thousands of satellites scan, observe and monitor our every move. Much of the planet is a war zone; the rest, a collection of wretched way stations, teeming megalopolises, and vast wastelands punctuated by areas left radioactive from nuclear meltdowns. It is a world made for hardened warriors, one of whom, a mercenary known only as Toorop, lives by a simple survivor's code: kill or be killed. His latest assignment has him smuggling a young woman named Aurora from a convent in Kazakhstan to New York City. Toorop, his new young charge Aurora and Aurora's guardian Sister Rebeka embark on a 6,000-mile journey that takes them from Eastern Europe, through a refugee camp in "New Russia," across the Bering Straight in a pilfered submarine, then through the frozen tundra of Alaska and Canada, and finally to New York. Facing obstacles at every turn, Toorop, the killer for hire, is tested like never before, in ways he could never have imagined--as he comes to understand that he is the custodian of the only hope for the future of mankind. For the first time in his life, Toorop has to make a choice: to make a difference or walk away and save himself. Too bad it came on the day he died.

Star Wars: Why Me?

I had a really cool write-up all laid out for this, but then I saw the Joe Loves Crappy Movies post, and gave up.

I'm going to go drink now ...



09.45p 08.23.2008

Death Race

Marcus Crosswoods UltraScreen Cinema

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Three-time speedway champion Jensen Ames is an expert at survival in the harsh landscape that has become our country. Just as he thinks he has turned his life around, the ex-con is framed for a gruesome murder he didn't commit. Forced to don the mask of the mythical driver Frankenstein--a crowd favorite who seems impossible to kill--Ames is given an easy choice by Terminal Island's warden: suit up or rot away in a cell. His face hidden by a metallic mask, Ames must survive a gauntlet of the most vicious criminals in the country's toughest prison to claim the prize of freedom. Driving a monster car outfitted with machine guns, flamethrowers and grenade launchers, he will destroy anything in his path to win the most twisted spectator sport on Earth.

RevLinux a.k.a president of the "I HATE BEN STILLER FAN CLUB"

Dear Potential Member:

Thank you for your interest in I.H.B.S.F.C. My name is RevLinux, and I love movies. It is a great hobby, and I'm sure you already know, it is a sacred hobby. I like movies of all kinds. Horror, Sci-Fi, Comedy, Drama, Stoner Movies, and even Foreign Films.

Ben Stiller is to movies like thinking is to religion. I have found better acting in a YouTube video of a 2nd grade play. The man needs to stop right-fracking-now!

But, the worst thing he has ever done, my friend, is to make a good movie! He wrote and directed it even. (I always thought that Ben Stiller was as useful in the writers' room as a centipede with 98 missing legs.) How dare he do such a vile thing. Tropic Thunder was a laugh-riot. I will never forgive him. WE shall never let him live this down. He has made our lives here at I.H.B.S.F.C. a living hell. Our membership has plummeted. Our geek cred is no more.

Following are a list of rules pulled right from the Tropic Thunder section of our charter:

  • Members shall never mention having seen Tropic Thunder.
  • Members shall never talk about the perfect cast that was put together for the Movie Tropic Thunder. Robert Downey Jr. playing an Australian playing a black man is priceless and a forbidden topic. Jack Black's performance as a doped out Eddie Murphy-esqe comedy actor will never grace our message boards.
  • Admitting the brilliance of the writing in Tropic Thunder is expressly forbidden and will get a member banned for life. Not one word is to be spoken about the Jack Black tied to a tree scene. Or the Downey Jr. Jefferson's theme song moment. Or the "I killed the one thing I love the most" "OK, you killed a hooker. Here's what you do ... " bit.
  • Tom Cruise is a minor god among actors, it's OK to mention his performance.
  • Ben Stiller is a Baby Thrower! (no, this isn't some code or euphemism, he literately throws babies)
  • There shall be no quoting the lines "I only know what sound it makes when it takes a man's life" and "mother nature just pi$$ed her pants, dude!" and "I'm a lead farmer, motherf*cker!" or even "I know who I am! I'm the dude playing the dude disguised as another dude!"
  • Never, EVER, go full retard.

As you can see, we take things very seriously here at I.H.B.S.F.C. and I hope to see you at our meetings soon.

Thank you again for your interest!



09.55p 08.15.2008

Tropic Thunder

Marcus Crosswoods UltraScreen Cinema

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A group of self-absorbed actors sets out to make the most expensive war film. After ballooning costs force the studio to cancel the movie, the frustrated director refuses to stop shooting, leading his cast into the jungles of Southeast Asia, where they encounter real bad guys.

09.55p 08.16.2008

Star Wars: The Clone Wars

Marcus Crosswoods UltraScreen Cinema

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"Star Wars: The Clone Wars" showcases an entirely new look and feel to the galaxy far, far away--combining the expansive scope of the "Star Wars" Saga with state-of-the-art computer-generated animation. On the front lines of an intergalactic struggle between good and evil, fans young and old will join such favorite characters as Anakin Skywalker, Obi-Wan Kenobi and Padmé Amidala, along with brand-new heroes like Anakin's padawan learner, Ahsoka. Sinister villains--led by Palpatine, Count Dooku and General Grievous--are poised to rule the galaxy. Stakes are high, and the fate of the Star Wars universe rests in the hands of the daring Jedi Knights. Their exploits lead to the action-packed battles and astonishing new revelations that fill "Star Wars: The Clone Wars."

how high?

Stoner movies are a staple of my hobby.

The Big Lebowski (1998)
Fast Times At Ridgemont High (1982)
Dazed and Confused (1993)
Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle (2004)
Half Baked (1998)
Up In Smoke (1978)
PCU (1994)

The list goes on.

Now, I'm not big on getting "stoned." I've never tried drugs stronger than anything prescribed to me after getting my wisdom teeth pulled. I don't even drink very often, and anyone that knows me knows my stance on "altered states" in general. So why do I like these movies so much? I can't relate. I have no stories that start with "I was sooo wasted ..." I can't even empathize with the characters. I have nothing to draw a connection to these types of films, but I love them. They entertain me to no end. Maybe it's for just the reasons I mentioned. The only way I'm willing to experience getting wasted is through these movies, "second hand" as-it-were.

So, my brain cells prepared themselves for this movie like a herd of lemmings looking for a suitable cliff. And, boy, were they right!

Pineapple Express is one for the books. I know I may have "let the monkey out of the bottle" as it were, but it was good. The mark of a good stoner movie (in my humble opinion) is me asking the question "do I feel like I just lost brain cells?? If so, how many? And, how did they die? A couple at a time? In droves? Can I even remember how to tie my shoes?"

Seth Rogen and James Franco gave a solid enough performance that a couple of those questions are now answered. Yes, I lost brain cells. Lots of brain cells. They died a horrible, screaming, laugh-induced death the likes of witch would make the Rev. Jim Jones envious.

One thing that was a new addition to the "stoner movie" was Action. It was an interesting twist. The stoner friends had to pull together and overcome adversity greater than "Funk, Gutter, funk! George Clinton, Parliament Funkadelic. Dude, aren't you a music major?" It was a nice touch. It gave the characters a chance for some great sight gags, and non-too-few shots at popular culture action movie staples.

Overall Pineapple Express was a good addition to the stoner movie club.

"Damn, you just got killed by a Daewoo Lanos!"


10.00p 08.09.2008

Pineapple Express

Marcus Crosswoods UltraScreen Cinema

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Lazy stoner Dale Denton has only one reason to visit his equally lazy dealer Saul Silver: to purchase weed, specifically, a rare new strain called Pineapple Express. But when Dale becomes the only witness to a murder by a crooked cop and the city's most dangerous drug lord, he panics and dumps his roach of Pineapple Express at the scene. Dale now has another reason to visit Saul: to find out if the weed is so rare that it can be traced back to him. And it is. As Dale and Saul run for their lives, they quickly discover that they're not suffering from weed-fueled paranoia; incredibly, the bad guys really are hot on their trail and trying to figure out the fastest way to kill them both. All aboard the Pineapple Express.

The Mumm-**yawn**

The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor could very well be one of the worst movies ever made. There, I said it and I feel better. If this had been Plan 9 from Outer Space bad, I wouldn't be writing this. There is something to be said for good old-fashioned b-movie campiness. But no, it was direct-to-video bad. It was House of the Dead bad. It was Battlefield Earth: A Saga of the Year 3000 bad. It was, dare I say it, In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale bad.

I know, I know! You're thinking "but Rev, how could that be!" or for our more southern readers "Say it ain't so!" Well, it's true. Now keep in mind the bar was not set too high. It's the mummy for pete's sake! I was in it for some good ol' rip-roarin' fun! But, alas! it was not to be.

I know we are to suspend disbelief for a couple of hours or so when attending our pass time of choice, but dear god do I have to shut down my brain ENTIRELY?!? When Emperor Han (Jet Li) gets turned into terra cotta yard art, he's in a less than flattering pose. We see him later majestically holding the reigns of his chariot team, still terra cotta mind you. I guess they wet him down a little and re-posed him.

But, I digress. The real point of my bringing up Jet Li is to say this: He got a paycheck for what must have been about 9 minutes of screen time at most. The other 103 minutes of the movie he was animated by the same folks that made the California Raisins commercial. OK, so that was a little harsh. At best the "animations" were not up to the standard set by a Wallace & Gromit skit.
Also, he took a page out of Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson's play book and decided to lend his name to the project, but didn't want to actually show up for any shooting after the first motion capture session. Am I the only one that has a problem with a shape-shifting, sword-wielding, two thousand-year old, flower pot with legs?!? The shape-shifting was cool except for one thing: If I wanted to kick Brendan Fraser's ass (and I do after watching this movie), I would just shape-shift into JET-FREAKING-LI!!

There are some fun moments. Really there were, I just can't recall any at the moment. I'm sure they were there. You'll just have to take my word on this.

One not-so-fun moment that sticks out in my memory is the Yeti fight. Let me clarify: A group of Yeti hear the call of Lin (Isabella Leong), the two-thousand year old gaurdian of Emperor Han's tomb (ya'know, just in case someone were to try to raise him from the dead), and fight the Chinese Army at the sacred temple in the Himalayas. One army soldier gets kicked over the archway leading into the sacred grounds, and the director thinks its a good idea to have a Yeti give the "field goal" gesture. How is that a good idea? I think a little piece of my soul died just then.

There is no real way to enjoy this movie. Well, maybe that's not entirely accurate. I can think of one way. You could borrow my Big Scary Bob©. Yup, you read that right. I am willing to lend you my Big Scary Bob©. For a very reasonable fee, my Big Scary Bob© will come to your house and beat you within an inch of your life. You see, only through punch-drunk haze of severe head trauma could you possibly find this movie worth watching.


09.50p 08.02.2008

The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor

Marcus Crosswoods UltraScreen Cinema

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Doomed by a double-crossing sorceress to spend eternity in suspended animation, China's ruthless Dragon Emperor and his 10,000 warriors have lain forgotten for eons, entombed in clay as a vast, silent terra cotta army. But when dashing adventurer Alex O'Connell is tricked into awakening the ruler from eternal slumber, the reckless young archaeologist must seek the help of the only people who know more than he does about taking down the undead: his parents. As the monarch roars back to life, his quest for world domination has only intensified over the millennia. Striding the Far East with unimaginable supernatural powers, the Emperor Mummy will rouse his legion as an unstoppable, otherworldly force--unless the O'Connells can stop him first.

Scottish David Duchovny X Files


* 1/4 cup Hollywood Movie Set
* 1 1/4 pounds David Duchovny, cut into 1-inch pieces
* 6 large Xzibit, minced
* 6 cups David Duchovny stock or canned David Duchovny broth
* 1 cup of Billy Connolly
* 1 cup of Gillian Anderson
* 2 tablespoons Callum Keith Rennie
* 1 tablespoon Nicki Aycox
* 1 tablespoon dried Fagin Woodcock
* 1 tablespoon Carrie Ruscheinsky sauce
* 1 Amanda Peet
* 2 tablespoons (1/4 stick) Spencer Maybee
* 3 pounds two-headed dog, peeled, cut into 1/2-inch pieces (about 7 cups)
* 1 large Winter Landscape, chopped
* 2 cups 1/2-inch pieces peeled Creepy Music
* Christina D'Alimonte and Luvia Petersen
* 2 tablespoons chopped fresh Chris Carter


Heat Hollywood Movie Set in heavy large pot over medium-high heat. Add David Duchovny and sauté until brown on all sides, about 5 minutes. Add Xzibit and sauté 1 minute. Add David Duchovny stock, Billy Connolly, Gillian Anderson, Callum Keith Rennie, Nicki Aycox, Fagin Woodcock, Carrie Ruscheinsky sauce and Amanda Peet. Stir to combine. Bring mixture to boil. Reduce heat to medium-low, then cover and simmer 1 hour, stirring occasionally.

While the meat and stock is simmering, melt Spencer Maybee in another large pot over medium heat. Add two-headed dog, Winter Landscape and Creepy Music. Sauté cast until golden, about 20 minutes. Set aside until the David Duchovny X Files in step one has simmered for one hour.

Add cast to David Duchovny X Files. Simmer uncovered until cast and David Duchovny are very tender, about 40 minutes. Discard Amanda Peet. Tilt pan and spoon off Skinner. Transfer X Files to serving bowl. Sprinkle with Chris Carter and serve. (Can be prepared up to 2 years ahead. Christina D'Alimonte and Luvia Petersen to taste. Cool slightly. Refrigerate uncovered until cold, then cover and refrigerate. Bring to simmer before serving.)

Serves 4 to 6.

If you followed these steps correctly, you should have:

or, if you want to use the following alternate ingredient list, you'll end up with:

alternate ingredients

* 1/4 cup olive oil
* 1 1/4 pounds stew beef, cut into 1-inch pieces
* 6 large garlic cloves, minced
* 6 cups beef stock or canned beef broth
* I cup of Guinness beer
* 1 cup of fine red wine
* 2 tablespoons tomato paste
* 1 tablespoon sugar
* 1 tablespoon dried thyme
* 1 tablespoon Worcestershire sauce
* 2 bay leaves
* 2 tablespoons (1/4 stick) butter
* 3 pounds russet potatoes, peeled, cut into 1/2-inch pieces (about 7 cups)
* 1 large onion, chopped
* 2 cups 1/2-inch pieces peeled carrots
* Salt and Pepper
* 2 tablespoons chopped fresh parsley


10.10p 07.26.2008

The X-Files: I Want to Believe

Marcus Crosswoods UltraScreen Cinema

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"The X-Files: I Want to Believe" takes the always-complicated relationship between Fox Mulder and Dana Scully in unexpected directions. Mulder continues his unshakable quest for the truth, and Scully, the passionate, ferociously intelligent physician, remains inextricably tied to Mulder's pursuits.

The Dark Knight - a musical

i was thinking : what if the joker really, REALLY, like musicals??

would he rip off Mary Poppins?

And ev'ry job that needs done
there's a tool to add more fun
A lark! A spree! It's very clear to see that

A roomful of jet fuel helps the building burn down
The building burn doowwwn
The building burn down
Just a roomful of jet fuel helps the building burn down
In a most delightful way

A copper bleeding from his chest
Has very little time to rest
While gathering his bits of arm and leg
Though quite intent in his pursuit
He has a charge inside his boot
He knows a light will do the job alright - but

A roomful of jet fuel helps the building burn down
The building burn down doowwwn
The building burn down down
Just a roomful of jet fuel helps the building burn down
In a most delightful way

or maybe Oklahoma!?

There's a cold, bloody corpse in the street,
There's a cold, bloody corpse in the street.
The money's as high as an elephant's eye
And here I am climbing clear up to the sky.

Oh, what a murderous mornin'
Oh, what a murderous day.
I've got a murderous feelin'
Everyone's dieing today.

All the coppers are standin' like statues
All the coppers are standin' like statues
They don't turn their heads as they see me go by
But a coked-out street walker is winkin' her eye

Oh, what a murderous Mornin'
Oh, what a murderous day.
I've got a murderous feelin'
Everyone's dieing today.

All the sounds of the guns are like music
All the sounds of the screams are like music
The sleeze is so busy she don't miss a trick
An' the ol' wino Will'm got hit with a brick

Oh, what a murderous Mornin'
Oh, what a murderous day.
I've got a murderous feelin'
Everyone's dieing today.
Oh, what a murderous day.

how about a little classic Dean ... hmmm ...

How lucky can one guy be;
I hit her and she smacked me
Like the felon once said,
Ain't that a kick in the head?
The room was completely black
I mugged her and she fought back.
Like the killer said, quote,
"Ain't that a slit in the throat?"
My head keeps spinning;
I rob a bank and keep grinning;
If this is just the beginning,
My life is gonna be over fast.
I've money enough to spread;
It's just like the felon said,
"That's just sick
Ain't love a kick in the head?"

Like the felon once said,
Ain't that a kick in the head?

Like the killer said, quote,
"Ain't that a slit in the throat?"
My head keeps spinning;
I rob a bank and keep grinning;
If this is just the beginning,
My life is gonna be over fast.
She's telling me we'll be dead;
She's pumped me full of lead.
I couldn't feel any better or I'd be sick;
That's just sick, oh ain't love a kick?
That's just sick, ain't love a kick in the head?


11.00p 07.19.2008

The Dark Knight

Marcus Crosswoods UltraScreen Cinema

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With the help of Lieutenant Jim Gordon and District Attorney Harvey Dent, Batman sets out to destroy organized crime in Gotham for good. The triumvirate proves to be effective, but they soon find themselves prey to a rising criminal mastermind known as the Joker, who thrusts Gotham into anarchy and forces the Dark Knight ever closer to crossing the fine line between hero and vigilante.


09.55p 07.12.2008

Hellboy II: The Golden Army

Marcus Crosswoods UltraScreen Cinema

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After an ancient truce existing between humankind and the invisible realm of the fantastic is broken, hell on Earth is ready to erupt. A ruthless leader, who treads the world above and the one below, defies his bloodline and awakens an unstoppable army of creatures. Now, it's up to the planet's toughest, roughest superhero to battle the merciless dictator and his marauders. He may be red. He may be horned. He may be misunderstood. But when you need the job done right, it's time to call in Hellboy. Along with his expanding team in the Bureau for Paranormal Research and Defense-pyrokinetic girlfriend Liz, aquatic empath Abe and protoplasmic mystic Johann-the BPRD will travel between the surface strata and the unseen magical one, where creatures of fantasy become corporeal. And Hellboy, a creature of two worlds who's accepted by neither, must choose between the life he knows and an unknown destiny that beckons him.

call me @$$&%*# one ... more ... time

Hancock was a pretty good movie. I can honestly say I didn't see the plot twist coming. Who woulda thunk that superheroes had a "failsafe" built into 'em by the gods?!?

I guess it's not too far fetched: Superman is crippled in the presence of kryptonite, Spiderman loves the "Mary Jane", Tony "it-burns-when-i-pee" Stark has a weakness for the ladies. The list goes on and on. So, it's not unreasonable to think that if Hancock and his blond hottie of an "ex-wife" get close to each other for too long, they become mortal like any other walking, talking Calvin Klein ad.

It got me thinking: what other things should, or should not be together?

Chocolate and Peanut Butter

Chocolate and Bacon

Chili and Habanero Peppers

Chili and Big Scary Bob

White Castles and After Hours Meal with drunk friends

White Castles and a 2yr old with a diaper 1 size too small

Big Screen HDTV and Angelina Jolie

Big Screen HDTV and Rosie O'Donnell

Dinner and a Movie

Dinner and a Colonoscopy


10.15p 07.05.2008


Marcus Crosswoods UltraScreen Cinema

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There are heroes. There are superheroes. And, then there's Hancock. With great power comes great responsibility--everyone knows that--everyone, that is, but Hancock. Edgy, conflicted, sarcastic and misunderstood, Hancock's well-intentioned heroics might get the job done and save countless lives, but always seem to leave jaw-dropping damage in their wake. The public has finally had enough--as grateful as they are to have their local hero, the good citizens of Los Angeles are wondering what they ever did to deserve this guy. Hancock isn't the kind of man who cares what other people think--until the day that he saves the life of PR executive Ray Embrey, and the sardonic superhero begins to realize that he may have a vulnerable side after all. Facing that will be Hancock's greatest challenge yet--and a task that may prove impossible as Ray's wife, Mary, insists that he's a lost cause.

Wanted - 7 haiku version

my boss is a b*tch.
my work is always worthless.
girlfriend f*cks best friend.

this is me. i suck.
until i became wanted
i never knew life.

"i'm the repairman."
what is it that you repair?
"lifetime of mistakes."

angelina's ass.
dripping water. tattooed flesh.
this isn't heaven?

"don't believe the code
you shoot that motherf*cker!
or shoot yourself now"

one curving bullet.
seven empty heads later,
only me alone.

it's not me working.
it's not me saving the world.
only a decoy.


09.55p 06.28.2008


Marcus Crosswoods UltraScreen Cinema

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"Wanted" tells the tale of one apathetic nobody's transformation into an unparalleled enforcer of justice. Twenty-five-year-old Wes is the most disaffected, cube-dwelling drone the planet had ever known. His boss chews him out hourly, his girlfriend ignores him routinely and his life plods on interminably. Everyone is certain this disengaged slacker will amount to nothing. There is little else for Wes to do but wile away the days and die in his slow, clock-punching rut. Until he meets a woman named Fox. After his estranged father is murdered, the deadly sexy Fox recruits Wes into the Fraternity, a secret society that trains Wes to avenge his dad's death by unlocking his dormant powers. As she teaches him how to develop lightning-quick reflexes and phenomenal agility, Wes discovers this team lives by an ancient, unbreakable code: carry out the death orders given by fate itself. With wickedly brilliant tutors-including the Fraternity's enigmatic leader, Sloan-Wes grows to enjoy all the strength he ever wanted. But, slowly, he begins to realize there is more to his dangerous associates than meets the eye. And as he wavers between newfound heroism and vengeance, Wes will comes to learn what no one could ever teach him: he alone controls his destiny.

Hellfire and Damnation - Missed it by that much

by ./revlinux and da'Moose

Bless me father, for I have sinned. It has been ... well, I've never actually been to confession.

In nomine Patris et filli et Spiritus Sancti... what have you done my child?

I went to "Get Smart" this weekend.

The lord does not frown on a simple pleasure such as that... what else has brought you here?

Well, Father I'm not sure how to say this ...

It is alright, my child... all will be right in his house.

But, Father, I ENJOYED it! I actually laughed.


I'm going to hell, aren't I?

But... the gospel of Roper has decreed that this movie's name be struck from all history! This is a serious infraction after all, my son.

I knew it! That "overfull barf-bag" bit just wasn't funny, nor the "did you see anything while i was dancing? A little, but you weren't expecting him to lift you so high" or even the ass-ripped-out-of-his-pants and taking-a-bow gag, but I laughed anyway! What's wrong with me?!

You came to the right place. Nothing is wrong with you child, so long as you repent to the lord and ask for his forgiveness. Luckily, his avatar on earth has made movies to watch for just such an occasion.

Oh, Father, I'll do any penance to correct this egregious mistake!

Go home and do nothing until you watch "Star Wars: The Phantom Menace" five times without skipping the Jar Jar scenes ... Watch "The Piano" extended edition four times, and the extended director's release of "Titanic" twice, WITHOUT cheering for the iceberg by the end. Do this, and you will be atoned, in the name of the father, son, and holy spirit, amen.

As you wish, Father ...

Go with god, my son.

... Father, one last thing ... could i still give a "w00t!" when Leo DiCaprio dies?

Yes, but quietly to yourself ... no one can fault you for that.


10.10p 06.21.2008

Get Smart

Marcus Crosswoods UltraScreen Cinema

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Maxwell Smart is on a mission to thwart the latest plot for world domination by the evil crime syndicate known as KAOS. When the headquarters of U.S. spy agency Control is attacked and the identities of its agents compromised, the Chief has no choice but to promote his ever-eager analyst Maxwell Smart, who has always dreamt of working in the field alongside stalwart superstar Agent 23. Smart is partnered instead with the lovely-but-lethal veteran Agent 99. Given little field experience and even less time, Smart-armed with nothing but a few spy-tech gadgets and his unbridled enthusiasm-must thwart the doomsday plans of KAOS head Siegfried.

What "Happened" was I lost $8 and 2 hours...

So, the first night of this week's dual movie extravaganza was "The Happening". Have you ever been confronted by something so terrible you were at a loss to describe it? This movie was worse than Strangers. This movie was worse than Revlinux's eulogy of same.

***Spoiler alert ***

Basically, there's some toxin in the air that makes people kill themselves. And it's being created by plants when there's more than a few humans around. No, I'm not making this up. So basically, the wind picks up and people lay down in traffic. But the dumb story is just the beginning! It's coupled by poor acting and really stupid dialogue! When Marky Mark called himself a douchebag, one of the douchebags in the theatre yelled "I'm done" and promptly left the theatre. So, congrats M. Night Shymalin (Shamu? Shyster? Screw it... you can't write, no reason I should), you've actually fallen beneath the bar set by a high school student in flip flops. He looked like the type of idiot who goes to Keanu Reeves movies and cheers when he says "Whoa!" Anyway, save your money. Or go see a good movie. The Incredible Hulk was quite good. Kung Fu Panda also kicked major ass, and awesomeness is free of charge!


At the request of our fans, we're going to do a special this week. Friday night AND Saturday will be on the schedule.

9.55p 06.13.08 2008

The Happening

Marcus Crosswoods UltraScreen Cinema (click for purchase)

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From director M. Night Shyamalan ("The Sixth Sense," "Signs") comes a lightning-paced, heart-pounding paranoid thriller about a family on the run from an inexplicable and unstoppable event that threatens not only humankind... but the most basic human instinct of them all: survival.

It begins with no clear warning. It seems to come out of nowhere. In a matter of minutes, episodes of strange, chilling deaths that defy reason and boggle the mind in their shocking destructiveness, erupt in major American cities. What is causing this sudden, total breakdown of human behavior? Is it some kind of new terrorist attack, an experiment gone wrong, a diabolical toxic weapon, an out-of-control virus? Is it being transmitted by air, by water... how?

For Philadelphia high school science teacher Elliot Moore (Wahlberg) what matters most is finding a way to escape the mysterious and deadly phenomenon. Though he and his wife Alma (Deschanel) are in the midst of a marital crisis, they hit the road, first by train, then by car, with Elliot's math teacher friend Julian (Leguizamo) and his 8 year-old daughter Jess ( Sanchez), heading for the Pennsylvania farmlands where they hope they'll be out of reach of the grisly, ever-growing attacks. Yet it soon becomes clear that no one - and nowhere - is safe. This terrifying, invisible killer cannot be outrun. It is only when Elliot begins to discover the true nature of what is lurking out there - and just what has unleashed this force that threatens the future of humanity -- that he discovers a sliver of hope that his fragile family might be able to escape what is happening.

10.05p 06.14.2008

The Incredible Hulk

Marcus Crosswoods UltraScreen Cinema (click for purchase)

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"The Incredible Hulk" kicks off an all-new, explosive and action-packed epic of one of the most popular Super Heroes of all time. In this new beginning, scientist Bruce Banner desperately hunts for a cure to the gamma radiation that poisoned his cells and unleashes the unbridled force of rage within him: The Hulk. Living in the shadows--cut off from a life he knew and the woman he loves, Betty Ross--Banner struggles to avoid the obsessive pursuit of his nemesis, General Thunderbolt Ross, and the military machinery that seeks to capture him and brutally exploit his power. As all three grapple with the secrets that led to The Hulk's creation, they are confronted with a monstrous new adversary known as The Abomination, whose destructive strength exceeds even The Hulk's own. And on June 13, one scientist must make an agonizing final choice: accept a peaceful life as Bruce Banner or find heroism in the creature he holds inside--The Incredible Hulk?

Eulogy for "The Strangers" May 30, 2008 - May 31, 2008

To tell you the truth I had a hard time putting all of The Strangers’ good traits into writing. No matter how hard I try, I can never do justice to what she overcame in her lifetime. I know we are all grieving today for we all lost a terrible movie. But I know wherever she is now she’s happy and contented with what crap she left us.

She was a bore, a waste of time and a burden to all of us. I’m sure each and every one of you here today has something to share on how The Strangers touched your life. She shared a lot of ghastly memories, especially with me, her favorite patron. We shared lots of things together and she was one of my least favorite movies. I don’t know if I can still be the same person I was now that she’s gone. I can remember the last activity we did together, ironically enough; we went out to watch a movie. As some of you already know The Strangers really loved to butcher classic love stories. Although we never agreed on what to watch, I always dreaded our times together. She’d always ask odd questions about the actors or about the story. And I’d just look at her and she’d keep on asking until she got the answer she wanted.

The Strangers was a very strong film and she always got her way. I personally would never seek her advice before I’d go to my parents. We always had short talks. Even if I didn’t finish what I wanted to ask her she already had an answer for it. She was also the kind of flick that would rarely ever think about other people before herself. She never liked asking for help but she was always ready to perpetuate the stereotypes of bad horror movies. She would do everything in her power to make a buck.

Although she never got the chance, I think in her own way she was able to show us how unimportant we all were to her. We may no longer see her but we’ll always have these special moments we shared with her. Let’s just be thankful that we knew a "special" movie like The Strangers.


9.45p 06.07.2008

Kung Fu Panda

Marcus Crosswoods UltraScreen Cinema

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Enthusiastic, big and a little clumsy, Po is the biggest fan of Kung Fu around--which doesn't exactly come in handy while working every day in his family's noodle shop. Unexpectedly chosen to fulfill an ancient prophecy, Po's dreams become reality when he joins the world of Kung Fu and studies alongside his idols, the legendary Furious Five--Tigress, Crane, Mantis, Viper and Monkey--under the leadership of their guru, Master Shifu. But before they know it, the vengeful and treacherous snow leopard Tai Lung is headed their way, and it's up to Po to defend everyone from the oncoming threat. Can he turn his dreams of becoming a Kung Fu master into reality? Po puts his heart--and his girth--into the task, and the unlikely hero ultimately finds that his greatest weaknesses turn out to be his greatest strengths.


10.00p 05.31.2008

The Strangers

Marcus Crosswoods UltraScreen Cinema

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The horrifying events that took place in the Hoyt family's vacation home at 1801 Clark Road on February 11, 2005, are still not entirely known. Champagne. Rose Petals. Candlelight. It was supposed to be a night of celebration for Kristen McKay and James Hoyt. But after leaving a friend's wedding reception and returning to the house, everything had collapsed for the happy couple. Then came a 4 a.m. knock on the door and a haunting voice. Is Tamara here?


10.05p 05.24.2008

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Marcus Crosswoods UltraScreen Cinema (this will be on the ULTRASCREEN!!)

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Set in the desert Southwest in 1957--at the height of the Cold War--Indy and his sidekick Mac have barely escaped a close scrape with nefarious Soviet agents on a remote airfield.Now, Professor Jones has returned home to Marshall College--only to find things have gone from bad to worse. His close friend and dean of the college explains that Indy's recent activities have made him the object of suspicion, and that the government has put pressure on the university to fire him. On his way out of town, Indiana meets rebellious young Mutt, who carries both a grudge and a proposition for the adventurous archeologist: If he'll help Mutt on a mission with deeply personal stakes, Indy could very well make one of the most spectacular archeological finds in history--the Crystal Skull of Akator, a legendary object of fascination, superstition and fear. But as Indy and Mutt set out for the most remote corners of Peru--a land of ancient tombs, forgotten explorers and a rumored city of gold--they quickly realize that they are not alone in their search. The Soviet agents are also hot on the trail of the Crystal Skull. Chief among them is icy cold, devastatingly beautiful Irina Spalko, whose elite military unit is scouring the globe for the eerie Crystal Skull, which they believe can help the Soviets dominate the world--if they can unlock its secrets. Indy and Mutt must find a way to evade the ruthless Soviets, follow an impenetrable trail of mystery, grapple with enemies and friends of questionable motives--and above all, stop the powerful Crystal Skull from falling into the deadliest of hands.


10.30p 05.17.2008

The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian

Rave Motion Pictures Polaris 18 (click for online ticket purchase)

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One year later, the Kings and Queens of Narnia find themselves back in that faraway wondrous realm, only to discover that more than 1,300 years have passed in Narnian time. During their absence, the Golden Age of Narnia has become extinct and Narnia has been conquered by the Telmarines and is now under the control of the evil King Miraz, who rules the land without mercy. The four children will soon meet a curious new character: Narnia's rightful heir to the throne, the young Prince Caspian, who has been forced into hiding, as his uncle Miraz plots to kill him in order to place his own newborn son on the throne. With the help of the kindly dwarf, a courageous talking mouse named Reepicheep, a badger named Trufflehunter and a Black Dwarf, Nikabrik, the Narnians--led by the mighty knights Peter and Caspian--embark on a remarkable journey to find Aslan, rescue Narnia from Miraz's tyrannical hold, and restore magic and glory to the land.

Speed who?!?

I have a review for Speed Racer. Here it is:

Speed Racer is a fantastic trip into the WRL (World Racing League). I know it's a fictional organization, but that doesn't matter. The WRL is full of color and life. It is a world of fast cars and hot women. Racers that believe in the thrill, and cheaters that will do anything to win. Family race shops who believe in honor, and big corporate sponsors who only believe in money. It is a world that I really, really want to believe in.

Really, this world is great! If you still need convincing, I have three words for you: Trixie, Trixie, Trixie. That's where it's at. She is perfect. She can fly a chopper. She can drive. And she's really hot. Speed doesn't deserve her.

I'm going to interrupt myself here and get to the point: I think Pops Racer's middle son, Speed is just the pretty poster boy.

You read that right, Speed is second fiddle in my book. The real hero of this story is a little boy and his chimp. Well, maybe not so much the chimp, but Spritle kicks serious butt. He never loses his way, never falls for Royalton's tricks, and he always knows what's important. Granted what's important to him is racing and food, and not always in that order. He braved Royalton's wrath again and again. He saved Speed form ninjas. NINJAS.

So, my hat's off to ya Spritle. Speed may have won the race, but you get the trophy!

As i finished this, I got a visit from Rick James' ghost. He jumped onto my couch, got dirt all over it. I asked "who the heck are you?!?" He slapped me and called me "b*tch". The exact words he used were "Never mind who you thought I was ... I'm Rick James, b*tch!", and was immediately followed by "Cocaine is a hell of a drug! And your review is all wrong! Let me help with that, b*tch!" He slapped me away from the keyboard, called me "b*tch" again and typed this:

Speed Racer iz uh fantastic trip into da WRL (World Racing League). I know it'suh fictional organization, but dat don' matter. The WRL iz full o' color an' life. It iz uh world o' fast cars an' hot biAtchez. Racers dat believe in da thrill, an' cheaters dat will do anyfin' ta win. Family race shops who believe in honor, an' big corporate sponsors who only believe in money. It iz uh world dat I really, really wants ta believe in.

Really, dis here world iz great! If ya still need convincing, I gots three werdz fo' you: Trixie, Trixie, Trixie. That'swhere it'sat. She iz perfect. She can fly uh chopper. She can cruize. And she'sreally hot. Speed don' deserve her.

I'm going ta interrupt myself here an' git ta da point: I th'o't Pops Racer'smiddle son, Speed iz just da fine ass poster boy.

You read dat right, Speed iz second fiddle in muh ma f&$#in book. The real hero o' dis here story iz uh little boy an' his chimp. Well, maybe not so much da chimp, but Spritle kicks serious booty. He never loses his way, never falls fo' Royalton'stricks, an' he always knows what'simportant. Granted what'simportant ta him iz racing an' chickn n` corn bread, an' not always in dat order. He braved Royalton'swrath ag'in an' ag'in. He saved Speed form ninjas. Ma f&$#in NINJAS!!

So, muh ma f&$#in hat'soff ta ya Spritle. Speed may gots won da race, but ya git da trophy! and s@#t.
Thank you Rick James' ghost! (please don't slap me again)