Transport me to Twilight

Whenever I am faced with a truly puzzling mystery regarding my movie-going hobby, I just boil it down to it's simplest points and see what comes out. I've done that with Twilight and Transporter 3. Here's what I have come up with:

12-year-old girls must have all the money!!

Really, they must secretly rule the world. Oil tzars? No. Italian mobsters? No. Illuminati? Only if they are a secret society of tweens. That's the only way I can explain how Twilight and Transporter 3 ever made it to the theater.

Both movies were so full of dialogue that was so sappy, you'd think the script was an 8th grade lit class project at an all girls school.

So, instead of ranting any farther, I am going to boil this down to the simplest points: a TOP TEN list of things that are better uses of your time (and more enjoyable) than going to see either of these movies.

10. root canal

09. ancient chineese water tourture

08. Rosie O'Donnell porn

07. wart removal

06. getting kicked in the shins

05. watching another Uwe Boll movie

04. septic tank repair

03. hot poker in the eye

02. re-runs of KKK rallies on the Jerry Springer show

01. being on fire

One good thing came out of watching suffering through these movies. Finally after all these years I have something to tell all those people that are currently on fire to help cheer them up: "It could be worse, you could be watching Transporter 3 or Twilight!"


09.45p 11.29.2008

Transporter 3

Marcus Crosswoods UltraScreen Cinema

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Frank Martin has been pressured into transporting Valentina, the kidnapped daughter of Leonid Vasilev, the head of the Environmental Protection Agency for the Ukraine, from Marseilles through Stuttgart and Budapest until he ends up in Odessa on the Black Sea. Along the way, with the help of Inspector Tarconi, Frank has to contend with the people who strong armed him to take the job, agents sent by Vasilev to intercept him, and the general non-cooperation of his passenger. Despite Valentina's cynical disposition and his resistance to get involved, Frank and Valentina fall for each other, while escaping from one life-threatening situation after another.


10.15p 11.22.2008


Marcus Crosswoods UltraScreen Cinema

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"Twilight" is an action-packed, modern-day love story between a teenage girl and a vampire. Bella Swan has always been a little bit different, never caring about fitting in with the trendy girls at her Phoenix high school. When her mother re-marries and sends Bella to live with her father in the rainy little town of Forks, Wash., she doesn't expect much of anything to change. Then she meets the mysterious and dazzlingly beautiful Edward Cullen, a boy unlike any she's ever met. Edward is a vampire, but he doesn't have fangs and his family is unique in that they choose not to drink human blood. Intelligent and witty, Edward sees straight into Bella's soul. Soon, they are swept up in a passionate, thrilling and unorthodox romance. To Edward, Bella is what he has waited 90 years for--a soul mate. But the closer they get, the more Edward must struggle to resist the primal pull of her scent, which could send him into an uncontrollable frenzy. But what will Edward and Bella do when a clan of new vampires--James, Laurent and Victoria--come to town and threaten to disrupt their way of life?


0.930p 11.15.2008

Quantum of Solace

Marcus Crosswoods UltraScreen Cinema

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Betrayed by Vesper, the woman he loved, 007 is determined to uncover the truth. He and M interrogate Mr. White who reveals the organization which blackmailed Vesper is far more complex and dangerous than anyone had imagined. Forensic intelligence links an MI6 traitor to a bank account in Haiti where Bond encounters the beautiful but feisty Camille, and she leads him to Dominic Greene, a ruthless business man and major force within the mysterious organization. On a mission that leads him to Austria, Italy and South America, Bond discovers that Greene, conspiring to take total control of one of the world's most important natural resources, is forging a deal with the exiled General Medrano. Using his associates in the organization, and manipulating his powerful contacts within the CIA and the British government, Greene promises to overthrow the existing regime in a Latin American country, giving the General control of the country in exchange for a seemingly barren piece of land. As Bond gets closer to finding the man responsible for betraying Vesper, he must keep one step ahead of the CIA, the terrorists and even M, to unravel Greene's sinister plan and stop his organization.


09.55p 11.08.2008

Role Models

Marcus Crosswoods UltraScreen Cinema

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Danny and Wheeler trash a company truck on an energy drink-fueled bender. Upon their arrest, the court gives them a choice: do hard time or spend 150 service hours with a mentorship program. After one day with the kids, however, jail doesn't look half bad. Surrounded by annoying do-gooders, Danny struggles with his every neurotic impulse to guide Augie through the trials of becoming a man. Unfortunately, the guy just dumped by his girlfriend has only sarcasm to offer a bashful 16-year-old obsessed with medieval role play. Meanwhile, charming Wheeler tries to trade in an addiction to partying and women to assist a fifth-grader named Ronnie redirect his foul-mouthed ways. It would probably help if Ronnie's new mentor wasn't an overgrown adolescent whose idea of quality time includes keggers in Venice Beach. Once the center's ex-con director gives them an ultimatum, Danny and Wheeler are forced to tailor their brand of immature wisdom to their charges. And if they can just make it through probation without getting thrown in jail, the world's worst role models will prove that, sometimes, it takes a village idiot to raise a child.


09.50p 11.01.2008

Zack and Miri Make a Porno

Marcus Crosswoods UltraScreen Cinema

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Lifelong friends and roommates Zack and Miri are facing hard times and a mountain of debt. When the electricity and plumbing get cut off, they seize upon the idea of making a homegrown porno movie for some quick cash, enlisting the help of their friends. The two vow that having sex will not ruin their friendship. But, as filming begins, what started out as a business proposition between friends turns into something much more.