Transport me to Twilight

Whenever I am faced with a truly puzzling mystery regarding my movie-going hobby, I just boil it down to it's simplest points and see what comes out. I've done that with Twilight and Transporter 3. Here's what I have come up with:

12-year-old girls must have all the money!!

Really, they must secretly rule the world. Oil tzars? No. Italian mobsters? No. Illuminati? Only if they are a secret society of tweens. That's the only way I can explain how Twilight and Transporter 3 ever made it to the theater.

Both movies were so full of dialogue that was so sappy, you'd think the script was an 8th grade lit class project at an all girls school.

So, instead of ranting any farther, I am going to boil this down to the simplest points: a TOP TEN list of things that are better uses of your time (and more enjoyable) than going to see either of these movies.

10. root canal

09. ancient chineese water tourture

08. Rosie O'Donnell porn

07. wart removal

06. getting kicked in the shins

05. watching another Uwe Boll movie

04. septic tank repair

03. hot poker in the eye

02. re-runs of KKK rallies on the Jerry Springer show

01. being on fire


One good thing came out of watching suffering through these movies. Finally after all these years I have something to tell all those people that are currently on fire to help cheer them up: "It could be worse, you could be watching Transporter 3 or Twilight!"