An open letter to Uwe Boll


I cannot think of a way to put into text the feelings I have after watching your movie, In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale, better than "Wow!"

Uwe Boll you are a demi-god among mere directors. You managed to keep hold of your vision and take creative control in these the worst of times and I applaud you! No one but you, Mr. Boll could take such a cast and keep every last ounce of talent from getting out of control. Well, almost. Matthew Lillard, you undirectable hack, how could you dare to put in such a convincing performance as a sniveling, lying, traitorous nephew of the king. Shame. SHAME I say! After this movie, it is safe to say: you shall never work in this town again!

Mr. Boll, I have to hand it to you: getting Burt Reynolds to play the great and mighty king!?! He was a perfect choice. (and he works on the cheap! That bottle of Jack Daniels between every take was sheer genius, Uwe! And who cares about that schmuck Opie?!? He couldn't have done better casting job!)

Oh, Uwe! The fight scenes, the sweeping landscapes, the NINJA's!!! I'm truly awe-struck. Ninjas in a sword-and-sorcery fantasy tale is just a stroke of pure enlightened genius! I can't forget to mention the tree lesbians. Amazing work. The way you stuck to your guns (damn those writers! they don't know anything!) and had that character flip-flop her position about helping those “war-loving, useless men.” Brilliant!

Uwe, don't ever change! BloodRayne 3 is just around the corner, and your adoring fans are waiting!

So, don't get discouraged, don't listen to the critics, Uwe. Or the public. Or the blogs. Or the newsreels. Or your "peers" (we all know you have none!) Keep up the good work!

Yours truly,