The Mumm-**yawn**

The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor could very well be one of the worst movies ever made. There, I said it and I feel better. If this had been Plan 9 from Outer Space bad, I wouldn't be writing this. There is something to be said for good old-fashioned b-movie campiness. But no, it was direct-to-video bad. It was House of the Dead bad. It was Battlefield Earth: A Saga of the Year 3000 bad. It was, dare I say it, In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale bad.

I know, I know! You're thinking "but Rev, how could that be!" or for our more southern readers "Say it ain't so!" Well, it's true. Now keep in mind the bar was not set too high. It's the mummy for pete's sake! I was in it for some good ol' rip-roarin' fun! But, alas! it was not to be.

I know we are to suspend disbelief for a couple of hours or so when attending our pass time of choice, but dear god do I have to shut down my brain ENTIRELY?!? When Emperor Han (Jet Li) gets turned into terra cotta yard art, he's in a less than flattering pose. We see him later majestically holding the reigns of his chariot team, still terra cotta mind you. I guess they wet him down a little and re-posed him.

But, I digress. The real point of my bringing up Jet Li is to say this: He got a paycheck for what must have been about 9 minutes of screen time at most. The other 103 minutes of the movie he was animated by the same folks that made the California Raisins commercial. OK, so that was a little harsh. At best the "animations" were not up to the standard set by a Wallace & Gromit skit.
Also, he took a page out of Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson's play book and decided to lend his name to the project, but didn't want to actually show up for any shooting after the first motion capture session. Am I the only one that has a problem with a shape-shifting, sword-wielding, two thousand-year old, flower pot with legs?!? The shape-shifting was cool except for one thing: If I wanted to kick Brendan Fraser's ass (and I do after watching this movie), I would just shape-shift into JET-FREAKING-LI!!

There are some fun moments. Really there were, I just can't recall any at the moment. I'm sure they were there. You'll just have to take my word on this.

One not-so-fun moment that sticks out in my memory is the Yeti fight. Let me clarify: A group of Yeti hear the call of Lin (Isabella Leong), the two-thousand year old gaurdian of Emperor Han's tomb (ya'know, just in case someone were to try to raise him from the dead), and fight the Chinese Army at the sacred temple in the Himalayas. One army soldier gets kicked over the archway leading into the sacred grounds, and the director thinks its a good idea to have a Yeti give the "field goal" gesture. How is that a good idea? I think a little piece of my soul died just then.

There is no real way to enjoy this movie. Well, maybe that's not entirely accurate. I can think of one way. You could borrow my Big Scary Bob©. Yup, you read that right. I am willing to lend you my Big Scary Bob©. For a very reasonable fee, my Big Scary Bob© will come to your house and beat you within an inch of your life. You see, only through punch-drunk haze of severe head trauma could you possibly find this movie worth watching.